Ambushed by the Best Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are sentences that ambush you. They have an unexpected shift in meaning in the latter part of a sentence or phrase – that you didn’t expect from the first part of the sentence. Sometimes they also play on the double meaning of a particular word.

Here are some examples that I found on sites about paraprosdokians, or that I’ve chosen because they seem to fit the definition.

A fool and his money are soon elected.
– Will Rogers –

A good cook needs storage, a bad cook needs a dog.
– IKEA sign in a store –

And I, I took the road less traveled by. I was using a GPS system.
– Robert Brault –

Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what’s for lunch.
– Orson Welles –

By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity.
Another man’s, I mean.
– Mark Twain –

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
– Robert C. Gallagher –

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
– Lee Trevino, golfer –

Don’t forget to turn your clock back. I’m going to turn mine back to when I was 20.
– Crabby Road – Maxine –

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
– Author Unknown –

End world hunger. Grow Zucchini.
– Author Unknown –

Every woman’s dream is that a man will take her in his arms, throw her into bed… and clean the whole house while she sleeps.
– memions.com –

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.
– Mark Twain –

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
– Bob Wells –

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
– Author Unknown –

If I could just say a few words … I’d be a better public speaker.
— Homer Simpson –

If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.
– Stephen Colbert –

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
– George Carlin –

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
– Dean Martin –

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
– Henry J. Tillman –

I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.
– Mitch Hedberg –

I have one last request. Don’t use embalming fluid on me. I want to be stuffed with crabmeat.
– Woody Allen –

I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn’t even know they knew how to knit.
– Author Unknown

I may be barking up the wrong tree, but that is my natural voice.
– Author Unknown –

I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
– Joe E. Lewis, golfer –

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
– Darrin Weinberg –

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
– Author Unknown –

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
– Author Unknown –

It’s so weird all the different names they have for groups of animals. They have pride of lions, school of fish, rack of lamb. . .
– Ellen DeGeneres –

I’ve decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
– Author Unknown –

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
– Dave Barry –

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.
– Henny Youngman –

My wife left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.” I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.
– Author Unknown –

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
– Groucho Marx –

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as cats do.
– Lee Entrekin –

Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They’re Over –

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
– Author Unknown –

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants on.
– Joe E. Lewis –

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
– Author Unknown –

Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I just let him sleep.
– Karen Scalf Linamen, book title –

The only people I am aware of who don’t have troubles are gathered in peaceful, little neighborhoods. There is never a care, never a moment of stress and never an obstacle to ruin a day. All is calm. All is serene. Most towns have at least one such worry-free zone. We call them cemeteries.
– Steve Goodier –

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
– Author Unknown –

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
― Anthony G. Oettinger –

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
– Phyllis Diller –

There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favorite is Nestle.
– Shmuel Breban –

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
– Jason Love –

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
– Author Unknown –

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
– Author Unknown –

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
– Author Unknown –

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
– Henny Youngman –