Love and Marriage Quotations

The Quippery

A bachelor asked a computer dating service to find him the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small, and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities.” Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.”
– Author Unknown –

A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.
– Helen Rowland –

A Marriage Made in Heaven or Too Tired for an Affair
– Erma Bombeck, Book Title –

American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
– Somerset Maugham –

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
– Agatha Christie –

A smart husband is one who saves all the barbershop gossip until after dinner – so that his wife will help him with the dishes.
– Edna May Bush –

Be the one person who’s found a second use for a bridesmaid’s dress.
– Dee Ann Stewart –

Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.
– James C. Dobson –

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
– Author Unknown –

Every man needs a wife. Many things go wrong that can’t be blamed on government.
– E.C. McKenzie –

Forget love — I’d rather fall in chocolate!
– Sandra J. Dykes –

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
– Analogies and Metaphors in High School Essays –

Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is.
– Author Unknown –

Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening to you.
– Author Unknown –

Husbands think we should know where everything is – like the uterus is a tracking device. He asks me, “Roseanne, do we have any Chee-tos left?” Like he can’t go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself.
– Roseanne Barr –

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.
– Dick Martin –

I do not refer to myself as a housewife for the reason that I did not marry a house.
– Wilma Scott Heide –

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
– Lewis Grizzard –

I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.
– Claire Cloninger –

If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
– Author Unknown –

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
– Author Unknown –

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.
– Lily Tomlin –

If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.
– Estelle Getty –

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free… You either married it or gave birth to it.
– Cartoon Caption –

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
– Katherine Hepburn –

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner –

I’m on my second marriage. You know when you let one guy get away, you’re gonna have to build a taller fence and put better food out.
– Brett Butler –

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all the afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
– Marie Corelli –

“I now pronounce you man and wife.” With the possible exceptions of “We have lift-off” and “This country is at war,” there are few phrases as sobering.
– Erma Bombeck –

Let there be spaces in your togetherness.
– Kahlil Gibran –

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
– Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975 –

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.
– Zig Ziglar –

Marriage is a fine institution…if one requires institutionalizing.
– S. Freud –

Marriage is like a horse with a broken leg – you can shoot it, but that doesn’t fix the leg.
– Author Unknown –

Marriage is a wonderful invention, but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
– Billy Connolly –

Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucini, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucini restaurant in the first place.
– Calvin Trillin –

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.
– George Bernard Shaw –

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
– Helen Rowland –

Marriage is nature’s way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.
– Robert Brault –

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
– Ogden Nash –

Marriage is the only union that can’t be organized. Both sides think they’re management.
– Author Unknown –

Marriage is the operation by which a woman’s vanity and a man’s egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.
– Helen Rowland –

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.
– Jean Kerr –

Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them.
– Jefferson Machamer –

Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had.
– Frances Rodman –

Matrimony; the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
– Heinrich Heine –

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage — they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
– Rita Rudner –

My kids were from an era in which a bride showed up at her wedding in curlers and when someone asked why, she said, “We may go someplace special afterward.”
– Erma Bombeck –

My wife left a note on the fridge that said ‘This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.’ I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.
– Author Unknown –

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
– Author Unknown –

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence.
– Erma Bombeck –

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and tried to beat her;
But his wife was a suffragette,
And Peter’s in the hospital yet.
– Author Unknown –

People often ask why I never married. My answer is simple. I’m all for the battle of the sexes. I just don’t believe in taking prisoners.
– Richard Chamberlain –

Son: Dad, did you know in other countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married? Dad: It’s like that everywhere, son…
– Author Unknown –

Thank-you for our life together and for all the times in the past when you’ve understood when I forgot to say it…thank-you.
– Author Unknown –

The ability to listen with the eyes, to appear to be fascinated while the portals of the ear close tight and the mind goes off on pleasant journeys of its own, is a purely feminine accomplishment. God gives that gift to woman so she may stay married to the same man for years, and still smile.
– Frank Case –

The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
– A.P. Herbert –

The older I get, the less time I want to spend with the part of the human race that didn’t marry me.
– Robert Brault –

There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationship.
– Iris Murdoch –

There was a rough stone age and a smooth stone age and a bronze age, and many years afterward a cut-glass age. In the cut-glass age, when young ladies had persuaded young men with long, curly mustaches to marry them, they sat down several months afterward and wrote thank-you notes for all sorts of cut-glass presents…
– F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Cut-Glass Bowl –

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders.
– Linda Festa –

The theory used to be that you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
– Author Unknown –

The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults.
– Peter DeVries –

To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home.
– Rose Sands –

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
– Erich Segal –

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
– Groucho Marx –

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
– Carrie Snow –

You know you’re in love when you don’t want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
– Dr. Seuss –

14 thoughts on “Love and Marriage Quotations

    1. That’s a good one, Margo. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to get The Car Guy to help me put something together because those new ‘no word’ instructions just don’t make sense to me.


      1. I managed to build ONE THING from those instructions (a small chair for my granddaughter) and I had to take it apart three times before I got it right. My husband hates IKEA (and similar) furniture but you can’t beat the price.


  1. One of the greatest collections of all time!! I think I enjoyed them so much because so many of them rang absolutely true!! I know intuitively this post was a ton of work– thanks a million, Margy!!


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