Cars, Trucks, Garage and Licenses Quotations

The Quippery

A commuter tie-up consists of you — and people who for some reason won’t use public transit.
– Robert Brault –

After you’ve heard two different eyewitness accounts of the same automobile accident, you begin to wonder about the validity of history. How do we know, for sure, what ever happened anywhere?
– Bits & Pieces Vol D #5 –

And I, I took the road less traveled by. I was using a GPS system.
– Robert Brault –

An object at rest tends to stay at rest, especially if you’re behind it when the light turns green.
– Robert Brault –

A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank.
– Author Unknown –

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
– Peter De Vries –

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
– Author Unknown –

Cheap, fast and reliable. Pick two.
– Author Unknown –

Direction is more important than speed. We are so busy looking at our speedometers that we forget the milestone.
– Author Unknown –

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
– Joseph E. Cossman –

Each year it seems to take less time to fly across the ocean and longer to drive to work.
– Author Unknown –

Every year my family would pile into the car for our vacation and drive 80 trillion miles just to prove we couldn’t get along in any setting.
– Janeane Garofalo –

Guys, you can date whomever you want, but marry a girl who can back up a trailer.
– Michael Martin Murphy –

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
– Steven Wright –

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
– Doug Larson –

I feel like I am parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
― Author Unknown –

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.
– Henry Ford –

If you can’t Dodge it, Ram it.
– Author Unknown –

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
– Earl Wilson –

I’m trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
– Erma Bombeck –

It finally happened. I got the GPS lady so confused, she said, “In one-quarter mile, make a legal stop and ask directions.”
– Robert Brault –

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
– Author Unknown –

My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off.
– Wendy Liebman –

Meanwhile, those battling against the ever-increasing tide of Japanese cars to European community nations got an unexpected bonus recently when two ships collided in the Straits of Gibralter. A total of 3600 Mazdas and Toyotas wound up in Davy Jones locker at the bottom of the Mediterranean.
– Author Unknown –

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
– Erma Bombeck –

No, no, no. There’s no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It’s cheap and nasty; expensive and cheerful.
– Jeremy Clarkson –

On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park.
– Curtis McDougall –

People can have the Model T in any color – so long as it’s black.
– Henry Ford –

Prudence was waiting for us when we arrived, and I saw her visibly wince as I pulled the Fiesta into the parking space beside her Lexus, like an automotive version of Lady and the Tramp.
― M.L. Brennan, Iron Night –

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
– Author Unknown –

The elderly don’t drive that badly; they’re just the only ones with time to do the speed limit.
– Jason Love –

The fact that people and trees and elephants and cars all have trunks just proves that there are more things than there are words.
– Scot Morris –

The key to motivating a young man to work hard… generally fits the ignition of his father’s car.
– Lynn Johnston –

The marvels of modern technology include the development of a soda can which, when discarded, will last forever – and a $7000 car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
– Paul Harwitz –

[T]hey both knew that the basis of her invariable reluctance about new cars was not thrift but sentiment. She simply could not endure the moment when the old one was driven away.
As for cars, they were in a class apart, somewhere between furniture and dogs. It wasn’t, with her, a question of the pathetic fallacy. She did not pretend to herself that cars had souls or even minds (though anybody, seeing the difference that can exist between one mass-produced car and another, might be excused for believing that they have at least some embryonic form of temperament). No, it was simply a matter of mise en scène. A car, nowadays, was such an integral part of one’s life, provided the aural and visual accompaniment to so many of one’s thoughts, feelings, conversations, decisions, that it had acquired at least the status of a room in one’s house. To part from it, whatever its faults, was to lose a familiar piece of background.
– Jan Struther, Mrs. Miniver –

They’d given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast of high ceilings and few horsepower!”
― John Green, Paper Towns –

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
– Jason Love –

… we live on the edge of the abstract all the time. Look at something solid in the known world: an automobile. Separate the fender, the hood, the roof, lie them on the garage floor, walk around them. Let go of the urge to reassemble the car or to pronounce fender, hood, roof. Look at them as curve, line, form.
– Natalie Goldberg, Living Color: Painting, Writing, and the Bones of Seeing –

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.
– Larry Lujack –

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
– Tommy Cooper –

Garage

I can’t fix stupid, but I can charge for it.
– Unknown Mechanic –

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
– Steven Wright –

I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.
– Author Unknown –

Only in America – do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
– Author Unknown –

Some moms take a bubble bath with a glass of wine. I hide in the garage and smoke a joint.
– Someecards –

The doctor must have put my pacemaker in wrong. Every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up.
– Minnie Pearl –

Walking isn’t a lost art — one must, by some means, get to the garage.
– Evan Esar –

Warning! Need to borrow a tool? The last guy that touched this box is in the bottom drawer.
– Snap-On –

What happens in the garage stays in the garage.
– Author Unknown –

Bumper Stickers

Cover Me, I’m Changing Lanes.
Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but is miles from the next exit.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over… (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
Pardon my driving, I’m reloading.

Vanity Plates

Professions:

Cardiologist: LUB DUB
Doctor: YRUILL
Dentist: 2THDR
Lawyer: ISUE4U
Detective: CLUESO
Judge: ALLRIZE
Many options: OLOGIST
Surgeon: LUV2CUT
Radiologist: C THRU
Urologist: CME2P and NOPCME

Vehicle:

VW Rabbit: HOP2IT
On a big motorhome: GLBL WMR
On a gas guzzler: 1 MPG
Disgruntled Fiat driver: FIASCO
Corvette: 02 BE ME

Interests:

Cat lover: MEEOOWW
The golfer: IN2GOLF
Star Wars: JEDI IAM

Vegetables Quotations

The Quippery

Advice from a Pumpkin: Be well-rounded. Get plenty of sunshine. Give thanks for life’s bounty. Have a thick skin. Keep growing. Be outstanding in your field. Think big!
– Ilan Shamir –

After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual “food” out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps.
-Miss Piggy –

Any dish that has either a taste or an appearance that can be improved by parsley is ipso facto a dish unfit for human consumption.
– Ogden Nash –

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
– Henry L. Mencken –

Butternut squash is a real letdown. No butter, no nuts, just squash.
– Author Unknown –

Calories are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food but a member of the plywood family provided by mother nature so that we would have a way to get onion dip into our mouths, has none.
– Dave Barry –

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
– Author Unknown –

Do you hunt your own truffles or do you hire a pig?
– Jean McClatchy –

During a bull session about human nature, a friend made this observation: “When we make sandwiches, we begin with square bread, round meat, rectangular pickles, slices of tomatoes, chopped onion and flat lettuce. We then cut the sandwich diagonally – and get angry when pieces of it fall on the floor.”
– Edward K. Ulery –

End world hunger. Grow Zucchini.
– Author Unknown –

Even today, well-brought up English girls are taught by their mothers to boil all vegetables for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests turns up without his teeth.
– Calvin Trillin –

Facts must be faced. Vegetables simply don’t taste as good as most other things do.
– Peg Bracken, The Compleat I Hate to Cook Book –

First off, let’s clear this up—fries are not a side dish and you can’t count those as a vegetable. Sorry.
– Tez Brooks, The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce –

Four year old Bob was so anti-spinach that when he was served asparagus for the first time, he moaned, “Oh, no! Not spinach legs!”
– Mildred Sherrer –

Give Peas a Chance.
– Pun – Author Unknown –

How to eat spinach like a child – Divide into little piles – rearrange again into new piles – repeat. After five or six maneuvers, sit back and say you are full.
– Delia Ephron –

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
– Author Unknown –

I don’t want any vegetables, thank you. I paid for the cow to eat them for me.
– Douglas Coupland –

If you stir coconut oil into your kale while you cook it, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.
– Author Unknown –

It’s possible to feel full when it comes to more vegetables, but not full when it comes to a piece of cake.
– Cynthia Copeland Lewis –

I used to be into ‘forbidden fruit’, but I’ve moved on to ‘verboten vegetables’.
– Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached? –

I’ve tried that Japanese decluttering trend where you hold each thing you own and throw it out if it doesn’t give you joy. So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables and the electric bill.
– Author Unknown –

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
– Rita Rudner –

Jonah’s adaptive niche in the family ecosystem was to be the perfect grandchild, eager to scramble up on laps, unafraid of bitter vegetables, underexcited by television and computer games, and skilled at cheerfully answering questions like “Are you loving school?”
– Jonathan Franzen, The Corrections –

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable. Wisdom is knowing not to include it in a fruit salad.
– Brian Gerald O’Driscoll –

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.
– Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life, 1978 –

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.
– Andy Rooney –

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
– Doug Larson –

Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks.
– Marilyn Wann –

Life itself is like an onion: it has a bewildering number of layers; you peel them off, one by one, and sometimes you cry.
– Carl Sandburg –

Mother to child at the dinner table: “It seems like yesterday we practically had to hit you over the head to get you to eat your vegetables. Now all of a sudden you’re a vegetarian.
– Joe E. Buresch –

…nobody really likes capers no matter what you do with them. Some people pretend to like capers, but the truth is that any dish that tastes good with capers in it, tastes even better with capers not in it.
– Nora Ephron, Heartburn –

Overheard on a bus: “My worry about genetically altered vegetables is that my daughter seems to be dating one”.
– Bill Tammeus –

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.
– Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader –

Someone keeps putting vegetables in the beer crisper.
– someecards.com –

Some people cry when cutting onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond with the vegetable.
– constantly_varied_gear –

The beet is the most intense of vegetables. The radish, admittedly, is more feverish, but the fire of the radish is a cold fire, the fire of discontent, not of passion. Tomatoes are lusty enough, yet there runs through tomatoes an undercurrent of frivolity. Beets are deadly serious.
– Tom Robbins, ‘A Cook’s book of Quotations’ –

The connecting link between the animal and vegetable (plant) kindgom is stew.
– E.C. McKenzie –

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
– Mark Twain –

The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt.
– Dave Barry –

Then the zucchini started to arrive; first those lovely little delicacies, then the hefty meal-in-a-zucchini – the ones that can be stacked like cordwood or shipped off to the Guiness Book of World Records. At this point the neighbors finally realized that things were getting out of control. They had planted a 25 foot row.
– Harrowsmith #14 –

The question of common sense is always what is it good for? — a question which would abolish the rose and be answered triumphantly by the cabbage.
– James Russell Lowell –

To my favorite honeydew, do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you, with your turnip nose, and radish face.
You are a peach. If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
– Author Unknown –

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
– Jim Davis –

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
– Fran Lebowitz, ‘Metropolitan Life’ –

Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning ‘I don’t hunt so good.’
– Reg Hunter, The Red Green Show –

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
– Author Unknown –

Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
– Author Unknown –

Zucchinis terrific!
Like bunnies, prolific!
– Author Unknown –

Christmas Quotations

Christmas The Quippery

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
– Garrison Keillor, Leaving Home –

Colored lights blink on and off, racing across the green boughs. Their reflections dance across exquisite glass globes and splinter into shards against tinsel thread and garlands of metallic filaments that disappear underneath the other ornaments and finery.
– Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration –

He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
– Clement Clarke Moore, A Visit from St. Nicholas, 1823 –

Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer
– Readers Digest –

How about we agree to leave Santa (and Frosty and all storybook characters) to the kids so the grown-ups can deal with real world issues, like adults? (In response to Santa being used to warn children about Climate Change.)
– Stephen Ewart, Calgary Herald, November 29, 2011 –

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!
– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow –

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!
– Dave Barry –

I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.
– Author Unknown –

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!
– Written by John Rox, sung by Gayla Peevey in 1953 –

My eggnog recipe is pretty special. It could be that it’s actually flavourful and doesn’t just taste like sweet milk (or maybe it’s just the bourbon, who knows?), but the holidays aren’t the holidays without it.
– Jamie Oliver –

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out any quicker than the Christmas spirit.
– Ken Hubbard –

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies!
– Francis Pharcellus Church –

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
– Dave Barry –

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
– Victor Borge –

Some of the most wonderful things have to be believed to be seen. Like flying reindeer and angels. Like peace on earth, goodwill, hope, and joy. Real because they can be imagined into being. Christmas is not a date on a calendar but a state of mind.
– Robert Fulghum –

The Supreme Court has ruled they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
– Jay Leno –

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
– Author Unknown –

Q: What is Santa Claus’ laundry detergent of choice?
A: Yule-Tide.
– Readers Digest –

1914 WWI Christmas Truce
‘Twas Christmas in the trenches, where the frost so bitter hung
The frozen fields of France were warmed as songs of peace were sung
For the walls they’d kept between us to exact the work of war
Had been crumbled and were gone for evermore.

My name is Francis Tolliver, in Liverpool I dwell
Each Christmas come since World WarI I’ve learned its lessons well
That the ones who call the shots won’t be among the dead and lame
And on each end of the rifle we’re the same.
– ©1984 John McCutcheon/Appalsongs (ASCAP), Water from Another Time: a Retrospective –

Color Quotations

The Quippery

Almost all words do have color and nothing is more pleasant than to utter a pink word and see someone’s eyes light up and know it is a pink word for him or her too.
– Gladys Taber –

Any color, so long as it’s black.
– Henry Ford –

Artists can color the sky red because they know it’s blue. Those of us who aren’t artists must color things the way they really are or people might think we’re stupid.
– Jules Feiffer –

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
– Claude Pepper –

Besides, I’ve been feeling a little blue – just a pale, elusive azure. It isn’t serious enough for anything darker.
– Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of the Island –

Blue is the only color which maintains its own character in all its tones… it will always stay blue; whereas yellow is blackened in its shades, and fades away when lightened; red when darkened becomes brown, and diluted with white is no longer red, but another color – pink.
– Raoul Dufy –

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
– Author Unknown –

Did the poet use red to symbolize blood? Anger? Lust? Or is the wheelbarrow simply red because red sounded better than black?
– Jay Asher –

He had that curious love of green, which in individuals is always the sign of a subtle artistic temperament, and in nations is said to denote a laxity, if not a decadence of morals.
– Oscar Wilde –

I am at the moment deaf in the ears, hoarse in the throat, red in the nose, green in the gills, damp in the eyes, twitchy in the joints and fractious in temper from a most intolerable and oppressive cold.
– Charles Dickens –

I cannot pretend to be impartial about the colors. I rejoice with the brilliant ones, and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns.
– Winston Churchill –

In the Third World, honk your horn only under the following circumstances: 1. When anything blocks the road. 2. When anything doesn’t. 3. When anything might. 4. At red lights. 5. At green lights. 6. At all other times.
– P. J. O’Rourke –

If time were a color, I bet it would be a tasteful off-white.
– Greg Parrish –

If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
– Bill Watterson –

In Autumn you can take one maple leaf and see almost all the colours of the rainbow in it – although you would need your imagination to see blue.
– Dorthe Eisenhardt –

In essence the Renaissance was simply the green end of one of civilization’s hardest winters.
– John Fowles –

I never met a color I didn’t like.
– Dale Chihuly –

I said, ‘Ooh, Dad, I want the yellow ones.’ He said, ‘Where?’ I said, ‘Right there, Dad. I want the yellow ones.’ Everybody goes, ‘Those are green’. That’s how I knew I was colorblind.
– Michael Rosenbaum –

It is always interesting to see how artists can cleverly create paintings of water without using blue or green, the obvious colours.
– Lu Wei Xing –

It’s a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn’t consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.
– Sam Levenson –

It’s not easy being green.
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that.
– Kermit the Frog, Muppets –

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it.”
– Alice Walker, The Color Purple –

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
– Doug Larson –

Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the eight-color boxes, but what you’re really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I’ve got a few missing. It’s okay though, because I’ve got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the eight-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean, there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation, so when I meet someone who’s an eight-color type I’m like, “hey girl, magenta!” and she’s like, “oh, you mean purple!” and she goes off on her purple thing, and I’m like, “no — I want magenta!”
– John Mayer –

Life lesson from the nursery: Broken crayons can still color.
– Author Unknown –

Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a coloured pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.
– G.K. Chesterton, “On Lying in Bed” –

Mauve? Mauve is just pink trying to be purple.
– James Abbott McNeill Whistler –

My favorite color is a soft shade of ‘Outright Totality,’ but often I am lured by hues of ‘Habitat’ or a stunning tone of ‘Subconscious.’
– Jacques Vesery –

My skin is kind of sort of brownish
Pinkish yellowish white.
My eyes are greyish blueish green,
But I’m told they look orange in the night.
My hair is reddish blondish brown,
But it’s silver when it’s wet.
And all the colors I am inside
Have not been invented yet.
– Shel Silverstein, “Colors” –

Never invest in any idea you can’t illustrate with a crayon.
– Peter Lynch –

Never stay up on the barren heights of cleverness, but come down into the green valleys of silliness.
– Ludwig Wittgenstein –

No things could seem further apart than the doubt of grey and the decision of scarlet. Yet grey and red can mingle, as they do in the morning clouds…
– G.K. Chesterton, Alarms and Discursions, “The Glory of Grey” –

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
– Lewis Black –

Purplish brown? Let’s agree it
is a color so bad we all flee it
it has no good use
so let’s name it Puce
from the sound we make when we see it.
– Darby Bannard –

Santa knows Physics: Of all colors, Red Light penetrates fog best. That’s why Benny the Blue-nosed reindeer never got the gig.
– Neil deGrasse Tyson –

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
– Dov Davidoff –

The greatest masterpieces were once only pigments on a palette.
– Henry S. Hoskins –

The more an object is polished or brilliant, the less you see its own color and the more it becomes a mirror reflecting the color of its surroundings.
– Eugene Delacroix –

Violet has the shortest wavelength of the spectrum. Behind it, the invisible ultraviolet. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. Poor violet, violated for a rhyme.
– Derek Jarman –

We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, some have weird names, but they all have learned to live together in the same box.
– Robert Fulghum –

When I haven’t any blue I use red.
– Pablo Picasso –

Christmas Desserts and Family Traditions

The QuipperyThe Fruitcake

Have you ever thought what it must be like to be a Fruit Cake? Made weeks or months in advance of Christmas Dinner, it is left to steep in whatever secret ingredient is used to give it that special flavour (I prefer rum). It is briefly admired as it is paraded down the catwalk of the dessert tray – then ignored by a bunch of carnivores who have just devoured half of a gigantic turkey.

I’ve always liked Fruit Cake. Back in the days when I’d do lots of Christmas baking, I’d serve it with Rum Hard Sauce. It is a simple recipe. Beat 3-4 tablespoons of butter (though my recipe says margarine because back then it was much cheaper than butter.) Add 1 cup of icing sugar, 1/4 cup rum, and 1/8 cup milk. Beat and chill before serving.

In a 1983 New York Times column titled “Fruitcake Is Forever,” Russell Baker claimed to be in possession of a fruitcake that a long-dead relative had baked in 1794 as a Christmas gift for President George Washington. Washington allegedly sent it back with a note explaining that it was “unseemly for Presidents to accept gifts weighing more than 80 pounds, even though they were only eight inches in diameter.
– Mental Floss –

The Sugar Cookie

The Fruit Cake’s nemesis is the Sugar Cookie sitting next to it on the platter. The Sugar Cookie, made just that morning, is unaware that it will be the hands down favourite. It may or may not have been tarted up with icing and silver sprinkles – but it will be devoured. Every last crumb will be gone by the time the last guest has headed  home with a tupperware container full of turkey and mashed potatoes. The Fruit Cake will sit untouched and forlorn on the platter – much to the delight of the hostess who created it (and loves any dessert that contains booze or chocolate or fruit or all three.) It is just a matter of time, however, before the last of the Fruit Cake is also devoured (as is the eggnog) and the hostess – well, she has gained five pounds in weight. (I speak from experience.)

Gingerbread

Baking and decorating Gingerbread is a tradition in our family. I’ve written about this in the past (Line up the Usual Suspects and How to Plan a Gingerbread Party.)

Rum Balls

Rum Ball making has become one of my son-in-law’s traditions. Each year he tries to increase the amount of rum, yet maintain the consistency of the dough such that it can be rolled into balls. Needless to say, Rum Balls are for adults only. Rum Ball rolling is time consuming and is usually done in front of the TV set while watching a movie. In years gone by, the traditional movie for the job was Amadeas. Don’t ask me why it has to be that movie – it is just the right movie for the job.

My eldest daughter decided to introduce Rum Ball making to her family this year. Her post began

Turns out, twenty-two years is enough time to forget a recipe. Although, as I stood in the grocery store calling my younger sister (wife of the rum ball making son-in-law) to find out what almond paste was, it occurred to me that I might not have actually made this recipe before. I did participate in the ritual of drinking wine, watching a movie and rolling. I’m just not sure I ever assembled the ingredients and then mixed them up in such a huge bowl.

Carrot Cake

Huh? Carrot Cake doesn’t seem like a traditional Christmas dessert – but it is just about my favourite treat other than something made with dark chocolate. We have done extensive testing of store bought carrot cake and the Fountain Hills AZ Safeway store makes a carrot cake to die for! Since it is just going to be two of us for Christmas dinner this year, quick and simple Safeway carrot cake is the way to go!

What are your traditional Christmas Desserts?

Advice and Mistakes Quotations

The Quippery

Accept good advice gracefully – as long as it doesn’t interfere with what you intend to do in the first place.
– Gene Brown –

Accept the fact that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue!
– Author Unknown –

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.
– E. W. Howe –

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
– Red Skelton –

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
– Author Unknown –

Creativity is often blocked by trying to be perfect. Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
– Tony Robbins –

Experience is a marvelous thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake whenever you make it again.
– Franklin P. Jones –

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
– Francois de La Rochefoucauld –

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
– Oscar Wilde –

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
– John Kenneth Galbraith –

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
– Author Unknown –

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.
– Author Unknown –

In each of our stories, we try to teach a little lesson or paint a little moral – things like mother taught: “Walk softly and carry a big stick,” “Strike first, ask questions after” – that sort of thing.
– Alfred Hitchcock –

In the game of life it’s a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.
– Bill Vaughan –

It’s better to plan ahead rather than look back at lessons learned from events you didn’t see coming!
– Tony Harris –

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
– Author Unknown –

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.
– Cullen Hightower –

Learn from the mistakes of others – you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
– Author Unknown –

Never believe in mirrors or newspapers.
– Tom Stoppard –

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
– Author Unknown –

Nobody’s running around here with a mistake ruler trying to measure it.
– Night Court –

People who don’t take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year. People who do take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year.
– Peter Drucker –

Smart people learn from their mistakes. But the real sharp ones learn from the mistakes of others.
– Brandon Mull –

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
– Author Unknown –

The test is to recognize the mistake, admit it and correct it. To have tried to do something and failed is vastly better than to have tried to do nothing and succeeded.
– Dale E. Turner –

The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes first and then the lesson.
– Author Unknown –

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
– Phyllis Diller –

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.
– Warren Buffett –

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
– Author Unknown –

When nothing goes right… go left.
– Author Unknown –

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
– Author Unknown –

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
– Erma Bombeck –

Your best teacher is your last mistake.
– Ralph Nader –

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
– Dave Barry –

Genealogy Quotations

The Quippery

A modern mother was explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album. The mother said, “This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here’s your sperm donor and your father’s clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo.”
“Who is that?” asked the daughter.
“Oh,”” answered the mother, “The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt. She’s the family genealogist!”
– Author Unknown –

Family trees are self-pruners… everyone dies in the end!
– Author Unknown –

Family tree? Ours is a shrub!
– The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History –

Found a Yankee in my tree – will trade for horse thief or black sheep.
– Author Unknown –

Genealogy: an attempt to prove the theory of relativity.
– Mary Kearns Trace –

Genealogists diet: Fiche and Ships topped with tantalizing Sources.
– abaysview –

He ain’t heavy – he’s my brother’s aunt’s sister’s husband.
– Author Unknown –

If your family tree doesn’t fork? You might be a Redneck.
– Jeff Foxworthy –

I’m always late. My ancestors must have arrived on the Juneflower.
– Author Unknown –

I’m not stuck, I’m ancestrally challenged.
– abaysview –

I researched my family tree… apparently I don’t exist!
– abaysview –

I wish I could relate to the people I’m related to.
-Jeff Foxworthy –

Jeanealogy: the study of Levis and Wranglers.
– Author Unknown –

Just follow my roots. I’ll turnip somewhere!
– Author Unknown –

My ancestors must be in a witness protection program.
– The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History –

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
– Elayne Boosler –

“My ancestors were all famous for military genius.”
My Lady smiled graciously. “It often runs in families,” she remarked: “just as a love for pastry does.”
– Lewis Carroll –

My family tree needs more wood and less sap.
– Author Unknown –

My family coat of arms ties at the back … is that normal?
– The American-French Genealogical Soc. –

Old genealogists don’t die, they just lose their census.
– abaysview –

Remember, undocumented genealogy is mythology.
– abaysview –

The average man will bristle if you say his father was dishonest, but he will brag a little if he discovers that his great-grandfather was a pirate.
– Bern Williams –

The cat sitting at the keyboard of the computer explains to the cat watching: “So far I’ve discovered I was in a litter of eight and my mother’s name was Fluffy!”
– Cockney Ancestor #89 –

The only surname not found among the three billion in the Mormon Archives is yours.
– abaysview –

The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated when the platform collapsed turned out to be a hanging.
– abaysview –

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.
– Helen Keller –

The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?
– The Gene Pool: JTR’s Colorful Family History –

We’ve uncovered some embarrassing ancestors in the not-too-distant past. Some horse thieves, and some people killed on Saturday nights. One of my relatives, unfortunately, was even in the newspaper business.
– Jimmy Carter –

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
– Mark Twain –

You’re a Genealogist If…
You hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery.
You’d rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall.
You can pinpoint Harrietsham, Hawkhurst, Kent on a map of England, but can’t locate Topeka, Kansas.
– abaysview –

Animal Species and the Language Police

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has taken offense to phrases that they say trivializes cruelty to animals. They call it “Speciesism”. In a recent Twitter post, they wrote “Words matter, and as our understanding of social justice evolves, our language evolves along with it. Here’s how to remove speciesism from your daily conversations.”

PETA suggestions for replacements of what they consider ‘Anti-Animal’ Language.

The response to this tweet was not particularly supportive of the concept. For the most part, the internet laughed.

“So you’re saying that there’s more than one way to skin a cat.”
“You’re flogging a dead horse.”
“So you’re advocating violence against flowers now.”
“PETA probably has bigger fish to fry…oops.”
“So, Curiosity thrilled the cat (not killed).”
“Hey peta! You forgot to let the weather know it has to stop raining cats and dogs.”
“I don’t want to let the cat out of the bag, sound too pig headed, but want to address the elephant in the room, there is more than one way to skin a cat.”
“We should also address the 800-pound gorilla in the room who is the perfect weight because we don’t body shame here.”

There are hundreds of phrases that are inspired by animals. Do they trivialize cruelty to animals or are they simply a reflection of our interesting and complex language? How is our language being shaped by the growing influence of Pressure Group Language Police?

‘Hop like a bunny’ over to The Phrase Finder for an excellent compilation of Animal Inspired Phrases. If you don’t follow this link then all I can say is “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.”
For more Animal Idioms, with some fun photographs, ‘train your eagle eyes’ onto 25 Amazing Animal Idioms. I’m not ‘sending you on a wild goose chase’, really!

What is your favourite animal idiom?

Grammar and Punctuation at the Bar Quotations

The QuipperyThere are many ‘a man walks into a bar’ jokes, including:

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

A dyslexic walks into a bra…

There are many variations that include animals, including:

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink called Freddy?”

There are also a few grammar and punctuation bar jokes:

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

A group of homophones wok inn two a bar.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

An ellipsis walks into a bar and says…

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

A period walks into a bar and comes to a full stop.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A question mark walks into a bar?

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out! We don’t serve your type.”

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

Two Quotation Marks walk “into a bar”.

– Various Authors, including The Bluebird of Bitterness, Eric K. Auld –