Steven Wright Quotations

The Quippery

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘Up Over’?

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

5 thoughts on “Steven Wright Quotations

  1. I love Steven Wright! He is, probably, the best (one liner) joke writer in the business.
    I like this one a lot :

    ”I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”


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