A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick
And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
A jolly young fellow from Yuma
Told an elephant joke to a puma;
now his skeleton lies
beneath hot western skies-
the puma had no sense of huma
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Beneath this slab John Brown is stowed. He watched the ads, And not the road.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
God in His wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
If called by a panther, don’t anther.
I test my bath before I sit,
And I’m always moved to wonderment
That what chills the finger not a bit
Is so frigid upon the fundament.
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I’ll never see a tree at all.
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance,
were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.
Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave,
When they think that their children are naive.
And middle-age ends
The day your descendants
Outnumber your friends
Some debts are fun while you are acquiring them, But none are fun when you set about retiring them.
Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.
Some tortures are physical
And some are mental,
But the one that is both
Sure deck your lower limbs in pants;
Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.
You look divine as you advance–
Have you seen yourself retreating?
The ant has made herself illustrious
By constant industry industrious.
So what? Would you be calm and placid
If you were full of formic acid?
The camel has a single hump,
The dromedary, two;
Or else the other way around;
I’m never sure. Are you?
There is something about a martini,
Ere the dining and dancing begin,
And to tell you the truth,
It is not the vermouth-
I think that perhaps it’s the gin.
Too much Chablis can make you whablis.
When I ponder my mind
I consistently find
It is glued