November 11, 2019

A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under a sustained enemy attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ.
“NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!” he says.
“NaCl over NaOH?” shouts his officer. “What do you mean?”
“The base is under a salt!” The chemist replied.
– Author Unknown –

A chemist says that the first alcohol was distilled in Arabia, which may explain those nights.
– Author Unknown –

A chemistry teacher was berating the students for not learning the Periodic Table of the Elements. She said, “Why when I was your age I knew both their names and weights.”
One kid popped up, “Yeah, but teach, there were so few of them back then.”
— Chemistry Jokes and the Periodic Table –

A mosquito cried out in pain:
“A chemist has poisoned my brain!”
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane.
— Chemistry Jokes and the Periodic Table –

… and holy hell the chocolate is so intense and pure it should be named an element and given a spot on the periodic table. It would be Ch, which isn’t even taken.
– Laini Taylor –

Chemists do not usually stutter. It would be very awkward if they did, seeing that they have at times to get out such words as methylethylamylophenylium.
– Sir William Crookes –

The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. One of them was this – a reference to Al Gore and Climate Change.
Gorium Gr
Lightweight element. Antagonistic to internal combustion engines;
essential for growing tobacco until a few years ago;
effective cure for insomnia; can be used as a means to raise money.
– Author Unknown –

If you are not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
– Author Unknown –

Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.
– Author Unknown –

Most people who have encountered mercury have done so after breaking a mercury thermometer. And many of us who saw the liquid balls of mercury scatter across a floor or countertop considered the element the most beautiful on the periodic table.
– Sam Kean –

My name is Bond – Covalent Bond.
— Chemistry Jokes and the Periodic Table –

The Elements Song

There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.
There’s yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.
There’s holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium,
And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.
There’s sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium,
And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium,
And chlorine, cobalt, carbon, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.
These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,
And there may be many others, but they haven’t been discarvard.
– ‘The Elements’ (1959), by Tom Lehrer –

Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.

Q: What do you call a wheel made of iron?
A: A ferrous wheel.
– Author Unknown –

Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.
– Author Unknown –