Thanksgiving and Turkey Quotations

The Quippery

Ah! on Thanksgiving day….
When the care-wearied man seeks his mother once more,
And the worn matron smiles where the girl smiled before.
What moistens the lips and what brightens the eye?
What calls back the past, like the rich pumpkin pie?
– John Greenleaf Whittier –

A lady at the grocery store was looking at frozen turkeys, but she couldn’t find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, with a straight face, “No, man’am, they’re dead.”
– Author Unknown –

Aliens in their spaceship: “Last month they were lobotomizing pumpkins, now they’re shoving bread up a turkey’s butt. This planet has issues, Bert.”
– Cartoon –

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.
– Kin Hubbard –

At our Thanksgiving meal today we discussed politics (“Who votes for more cranberries?”), gender issues (“Is that a boy bird or a girl bird?”) and climate change (“That oven is making it warm in here!”). Hope you’re having a good one, too!
– Pat Sajak @patsajak –

Before you marry someone, find out if their family drinks mimosas or runs 5K on holiday mornings.
– Author Unknown –

Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.
– William Arthur Ward –

How to make a vegetarian turkey for Thanksgiving: Make up a batch of Rice Krispies Treats. Shape into something resembling a turkey body. Scoop out a hole where the dressing would go. Fill with smarties.
– Author Unknown –

I love Thanksgiving turkey… It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
– Arnold Schwarzenegger –

In light of the million think pieces on how to deal with your family on Thanksgiving, I offer a radical idea…
Be gracious, kind and thankful to those around you and see what happens.
– Dave Rubin @RubinReport –

I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.
– Robert Brault –

It has been an unchallengeable American doctrine that cranberry sauce, a pink goo with overtones of sugared tomatoes, is a delectable necessity of the Thanksgiving board and that turkey is uneatable without it.
– Alistair Cooke –

I think there’d be quite a market for Thanksgiving carols.
“Have a Holly Jolly Turkey”
“Jingle Bellies”
“All I want for Christmas is food”
“O Holy Nap”
-Keith Wynn –

It’s hard to be thankful when you’re stuffing bread crumbs up a cold turkey’s butt at 5 A.M.
– Maxine –

It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.
– Friends –

Kristina: (looking at me) “What are you wearing today for Thanksgiving with my family.”
Me: (Already dressed and ready to go) “Apparently not what I’m wearing now.”
– Scott Adams @ScottAdamsSays –

Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning… For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.
– Random Randomness. –

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
– Grandpa Jones –

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
– Phyllis Diller –

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.
– Dave Barry –

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked but not dried out. Give this a try.
12-15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT)
salt and pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey’s butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it’s done.
– Author Unknown –

Thanksgiving Alphabet
T … Turkeys, table-spreads, being together,
H … Happiness and homes to protect us from all weather,
A … Aunts and uncles, a reunion in Fall,
N … Nieces and nephews, family members all.
K … Kind-hearted kin coming over for dinner,
S … Surely you’ll have fun, but you won’t get thinner.
– Author Unknown –

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence.
– Erma Bombeck –

“That can’t be right” (turkey looking at its cell phone message which says ‘Thursday’s temp 350 degrees.’)
– Mark Parisi Cartoon –

The Fortune Teller told the turkey: “I see you, a chicken, and a duck and – oh my, this doesn’t end well.
– Scott Metzger Cartoons –

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
– Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings –

The thing I’m most thankful for right now is eleastic waistbands.
– Author Unknown –

This year we’re having the words, “There’s more gravy in the kitchen” stitched right on the napkins.
– Robert Brault –

Turkey arrested! Police suspect fowl play.
– Indian Hills Community Sign –

Two snowmen were looking through the window at a family serving whole carrots with their Thanksgiving dinner. The one snowman said to the other, “OMG! They’re eating noses!”
– Whyatt –

What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
– Erma Bombeck –

We may not have it all together, but together, we have it all.
– Author Unknown –

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
– George Carlin –

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
– Jay Leno –

You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.
– Dylan Brody –

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American Readers!