With permission, I’ve ‘borrowed’ most of the following bits of humor from ‘Bad Joke Monday’ at the blog ‘Feeding on Folly’. Talented blogger, Christi, illustrates these too – so please pop over to her place so that you can enjoy them in all their visual glory!
A bear walked into a bar and said, “Give me a whiskey and …………. cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asked the bartender.
The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
A guy goes into a bar and says “I’ll have a Corona and two hurricanes.”
The bartender says, “That will be $20.20.”
A fisherman accidentally got some vinegar in his ear, and now suffers from pickled hearing.
A grasshopper hops into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says “hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper replies, incredulous, “You have a drink named Steve?”
A highway patrol motorcycle officer sees a woman speed past while knitting in the driver’s seat.
He hits the red lights and sets off in pursuit. She doesn’t stop, just keeps speeding along.
Finally he pulls along side and yells, “PULLOVER!!!”
She yelled back, “NO, CARDIGAN”
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say,
‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say,
‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!’
The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”
As we headed down the road, a large bug hit the windshield.
I said, “I’ll bet he doesn’t have the guts to do that again.”
Hubby responded, “Do you know what was the last thing to go through his mind? His butt!”
A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looked at him and said,
“I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeer?
No, they already have names.
Did you hear about the frog who parked in a red zone?
Yeah, his car was toad.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Every day at sunrise, rain, shine, fog, snow, Joe goes into his back yard,
faces east and says this little prayer:
“Dear God, please let me win the lottery today.”
He does this for twenty years.
Then one foggy morning the clouds part and a bright beam of light falls on Joe.
From the sky a booming voices says,
“Joe, meet me half way on this, buy a ticket.”
For every year someone spends in Phoenix, they get one off in hell.
How does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spent her time?
Staying awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilos overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely included in things either. (Christopher Hudspeth)
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The king of an African country issued a royal decree: No one may kill any wild animals.
The decree was honored, but soon there were too many lions and tigers in the kingdom. The people revolted and the king was removed from power.
It was the first known instance of a reign being called on account of game.
The man who invented auto-correct has died.
Restaurant in piece.
There once were some eggs from Boston
Who were sold to a store in Austin
But their shells were all cracked
When the train left the track
And their yolks leaked out, and they lost ‘em.
But they didn’t go out with a bang
So that wasn’t the end of our gang:
They found a good cook
With a recipe book
And lived life again as meringue!
What did the alien cat say to the Earth cat?
Take me to your litter.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
What do you call a part-time bandleader?
What do you call an annoying pumpkin that does stupid stuff?
What do you call a soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What is the best stereo equipment to get for a dog?
A subwoofer with surround hound.
What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.
Why was the Snowman opening the bags of carrots at the grocery store?
He was picking his nose.
With all the sporting events cancelled they are going to
broadcast the International Origami Championship.
It will be on PaperView!