Phyllis Diller Quotations

Phyllis Diller was an American comedienne and actress – one of the first female stand-up comics, noted for her raucous personality and self-deprecating humour. She donated many items to the Smithsonian, including her large metal file cabinet which holds 52,569 index cards, each with a typewritten joke or gag.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing. No use doing it now – it doesn’t fit anyone I know.

I’m the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

They just elected me Miss Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.

22 thoughts on “Phyllis Diller Quotations

    1. You would have to be a certain age to understand that one, right!
      I wondered about pantyhose too (since I haven’t worn them in years) – but I see they are alive and well ( and a lot more than $3 a pair)!


  1. When I lived in Wichita in the 1990’s, I attended her show in a big theater and was amazed at her fan base. Chartered buses arrived from Oklahoma.


      1. I cannot specifically recall her playing the piano or even any specific jokes. Funny what you remember. An amazing old theater and how we were pleasantly surprised how good her show was. Lots of laughs!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad some of the best female comedians were stars during my time – Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball, Gilda Radner, Lily Tomlin, Mary Tyler Moore, Bea Arthur and, of course, Phyllis Diller!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I had not thought of Phyllis Diller in decades until this. Reading these jokes, I can see how you would have to have been middle age or above to really appreciate them. Which is why I find them hilarious now where they were merely funny to me in the 70s. She had few peers at self-deprecating comedy.


  3. This was so interesting. I love the fact that she was modest as she certainly had reason not to be. The quotations are great. Great post!


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