Robert Brault Quotations

Robert Brault is a free-lance writer and author of five books: Reflections, Short Thoughts for the Long Haul, Round Up the Usual Subjects, The Second Collection and Thoughts on Art and Artists. He has contributed to magazines and newspapers in the USA for over 40 years.

A commuter tie-up consists of you — and people who for some reason won’t use public transit.

A holiday cocktail party is where every year you have the same conversation with the same person about who you both still are.

And I, I took the road less traveled by. I was using a GPS system.

A painting is what you make of it, besides which, ‘Moon, Weeping’ has a better ring to it than ‘Paintbrush, Dripping.’

As a general guideline, the fewer the words, the truer the words — an example being the words, “This is an opportunity you can’t afford to pass up,” where three fewer are usually truer.

As a general guideline, there are always as many political parties as there are ways the public can be misrepresented.”

As a great sage once said to me, “Listen if you’re an apple, don’t try to be an orange. It can lead to a life of fruitlessness.

Blogs seem to have two magnetic poles, one attracting friends, the other repulsing relatives.

I’d like to say, on behalf of all us lifelong doubters, that we’re a bit overwhelmed these days, there being so much information that needs to be doubted.

I have found, when judging people, that it’s best to wait until morning and judge them on the evidence of a good night’s sleep.

It is a shame when people of shared values form an allegiance and then proceed to sacrifice their values to the allegiance.

It is never too late, which is too bad, because it would get an awful lot of people started.

It is rare that we achieve happiness by increasing our supply of something that has nothing to do with it.

It is said that not all who wander are lost, which has always struck me as not getting the most out of wandering.

I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.

Marriage is nature’s way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.

No matter what your complaint, there is a number to call where you will be told that you are the first person ever to complain about it.

One thing social networking has made possible is the application of mob psychology without having to assemble a mob.

One thing you can learn from your dog is when to go lie under the dining room table and await developments.

Overheard on Judgment Day: “You did WHAT in My name?”

Sometimes you have to remove the clutter from your life to realize that you need the clutter.

There’s a chance, of course, that the person who always gives you a disapproving look actually approves of you but doesn’t have a look to go with it.

There is no daily chore so trivial that it cannot be made important by skipping it two days running.

Today’s thought question: “What are the chances that the reason you were born was to leave everything just the way it is?”

What would I appreciate to mark my passing? Perhaps a brief memorial and a small reception afterwards where people remark on how good the squash casserole is.

You just hope that a politician who claims to know what you deserve is better informed on other subjects.

Tom Swifties

A ‘Tom Swifty’ is a play on words. It usually starts with a quotation, followed by an adverb that describes how Tom was speaking.

The term was coined by Willard Espy (1911–99). It is a parody on the style of writing in a series of adventure books published by Edward Stratemeyer and written by an imaginary author, Victor Appleton. Tom Swift was the main character in the books.

“Don’t you love sleeping outdoors,” Tom said intently.

“Get to the back of the ship!” Tom said sternly.

“How do I get to the cemetery?” Tom asked gravely.

“I can’t find the oranges,” said Tom fruitlessly.

“I decided to come back to the group,” Tom rejoined.

“I’d like my money back, and some,” said Tom with interest.

“I don’t like hot dogs,” Tom said frankly.

“I forgot what I was supposed to buy,” Tom said listlessly.

“I have no flowers,” Tom said lackadaisically.

“I just dropped the toothpaste,” said Tom crestfallenly.

“I’ll have a bowl of Chinese soup,” Tom said wantonly.

“I’ll have another martini,” said Tom dryly.

“I’ll have the lamb,” Tom said sheepishly.

“I lost my trousers,” said Tom expansively.

“I love hot dogs,” said Tom with relish.

“I need a pencil sharpener,” Tom said bluntly.

“I’m no good at playing darts,” Tom said aimlessly.

“I only have diamonds, clubs, and spades,’ Tom said heartlessly.

“I’ve removed all the feathers from this chicken,” said Tom pluckily.

“I won the daily double,” Tom said hoarsely.

“Let’s gather up the rope,” said Tom coyly.

“Look at those newborn puppies,” said Tom literally.

“My girlfriend broke up with me,” Tom said ruthlessly.

“Parsley, sage, rosemary,” said Tom timelessly.

“Pass me another chip” said Tom crisply.

“That’s a lot of hay,” Tom said balefully.

“That’s the last time I’ll pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly.

“That’s the third time my teacher changed my grade,” Tom remarked.

“The thermostat is set too high,” said Tom heatedly.

“We just struck oil!” Tom gushed.

“You’re only average,” Tom said meanly.

Can you make up your own Tom Swifty? Were there any here that you didn’t get?

So Bad they are Good Puns and Jokes

With permission,  I’ve ‘borrowed’ most of the following bits of humor from ‘Bad Joke Monday’ at the blog ‘Feeding on Folly’. Talented blogger, Christi, illustrates these too – so please pop over to her place so that you can enjoy them in all their visual glory!

A bear walked into a bar and said, “Give me a whiskey and …………. cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asked the bartender.
The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

A guy goes into a bar and says “I’ll have a Corona and two hurricanes.”
The bartender says,  “That will be $20.20.”

A fisherman accidentally got some vinegar in his ear, and now suffers from pickled hearing.

A grasshopper hops into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says “hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper replies, incredulous, “You have a drink named Steve?”

A highway patrol motorcycle officer sees a woman speed past while knitting in the driver’s seat.
He hits the red lights and sets off in pursuit. She doesn’t stop, just keeps speeding along.
Finally he pulls along side and yells, “PULLOVER!!!”
She yelled back, “NO, CARDIGAN”

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say,
‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say,
‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!’
The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”

As we headed down the road, a large bug hit the windshield.
I said, “I’ll bet he doesn’t have the guts to do that again.”
Hubby responded, “Do you know what was the last thing to go through his mind? His butt!”

A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looked at him and said,
“I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeer?
No, they already have names.

Did you hear about the frog who parked in a red zone?
Yeah, his car was toad.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Every day at sunrise, rain, shine, fog, snow, Joe goes into his back yard,
faces east and says this little prayer:
“Dear God, please let me win the lottery today.”
He does this for twenty years.
Then one foggy morning the clouds part and a bright beam of light falls on Joe.
From the sky a booming voices says,
“Joe, meet me half way on this, buy a ticket.”

For every year someone spends in Phoenix, they get one off in hell.

How does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spent her time?
Staying awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilos overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely included in things either. (Christopher Hudspeth)

I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

The king of an African country issued a royal decree: No one may kill any wild animals.
The decree was honored, but soon there were too many lions and tigers in the kingdom. The people revolted and the king was removed from power.
It was the first known instance of a reign being called on account of game.

The man who invented auto-correct has died.
Restaurant in piece.

There once were some eggs from Boston
Who were sold to a store in Austin
But their shells were all cracked
When the train left the track
And their yolks leaked out, and they lost ‘em.
But they didn’t go out with a bang
So that wasn’t the end of our gang:
They found a good cook
With a recipe book
And lived life again as meringue!

What did the alien cat say to the Earth cat?
Take me to your litter.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

What do you call a part-time bandleader?
A semi-conductor.

What do you call an annoying pumpkin that does stupid stuff?
A jack-ass-o-lantern.

What do you call a soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What is the best stereo equipment to get for a dog?
A subwoofer with surround hound.

What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk.

Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.

Why was the Snowman opening the bags of carrots at the grocery store?
He was picking his nose.

With all the sporting events cancelled they are going to
broadcast the International Origami Championship.
It will be on PaperView!

Dislike Vs Hate Quotations

Dislike and Hate – how do they differ? Dislike is a feeling of aversion. Hate is an emotion of extreme hostility.

I really, really dislike Brussels Sprouts and cleaning toilets. I can’t think of anything I hate.

How about you – anything you strongly dislike so much that you feel hostile towards it?

A man who lives, not by what he loves but what he hates, is a sick man.
– Archibald MacLeish –

“And what problem does your hate solve?” he would ask us.
– Dr. SunWolf, professorsunwolf.com –

Dislike of another’s opinions and beliefs neither justifies our own nor makes us more certain of them: and to transfer the repugnance to the person himself is a mark of a vulgar mind.
– John Lancaster Spalding –

Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.
– Coretta Scott King –

Haters are the people who will broadcast your failures and whisper your success.
– Will Smith –

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
– Harry Emerson Fosdick –

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
– Winston Churchill –

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– A. Whitney Brown –

I don’t hate anyone. The only people I know well enough to hate, I love.
– Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com –

I do know how to treat people and that is treat them the way I want to be treated. So when I extend that respect and that consideration that I would like to have, there is a certain amount of reciprocating. Some of the senators have even said words to the effect to me of “I can’t dislike you as much as I wish that I did”.
– Ernie Chambers –

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
– Joan Rivers –

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
– Steve Martin –

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
– W. C. Fields –

I never yet heard man or woman much abused, that I was not inclined to think the better of them; and to transfer any suspicion or dislike, to the person who appeared to take delight in pointing out the defects of a fellow-creature.
– Jane Porter –

Isn’t it kind of silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up?
– Sean Covey –

I think that everybody wants to be heard, and the easiest way to be the loudest is to be the hater.
– ​Tavi Gevinson –

Love me or hate me, both are in my favour. If you love me, I will always be in your heart, and if you hate me, I will be in your mind.
– Qandeel Baloch –

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
– Drew Carey –

Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn’t that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you.
– Marilyn Monroe –

There is a story of an Oxford student who once remarked, “I despise all Americans, but have never met one I didn’t like.”
– Gordon Allport –

We can’t control the filters that others choose when they look at us.
– Rachel Wolchin –

We make up any excuse to preserve myths about people we love, but the reverse is also true; if we dislike an individual we adamantly resist changing our opinion, even when somebody offers proof of his decency, because it’s vital to have myths about both the gods and devils in our lives.
– Marlon Brando –

When you really know somebody you can’t hate them. Or maybe it’s just that you can’t really know them until you stop hating them.
– Orson Scott Card –

Halloween Quotations

Be sure to stock up on loads of sweets for Halloween so you have something to eat while hiding in the wardrobe.
– Rob Temple, Very British Problems, @SoVeryBritish, tweet, 2019 –

Dear Great Pumpkin, Halloween is now only a few days away. Children all over the world await you coming. When you rise out of the pumpkin patch that night, please remember I am your most loyal follower. Have a nice trip. Don’t forget to take out flight insurance.
― Linus from Charles M. Schulz’s “The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 6: 1961-1962 –

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
– Scottish Saying –

How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch!

I think if human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween. Wouldn’t life be more interesting that way? And now that I think about it, why the heck don’t they? Who made the rule that everybody has to dress like sheep 364 days of the year? Think of all the people you’d meet if they were in costume every day. People would be so much easier to talk to – like talking to dogs.
– Douglas Copeland –

I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
– Author Unknown –

I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and that white paste that you could eat.
– Dave Barry –

“I’m so happy that Halloween falls on a Wednesday this year!” said no teacher ever.
– Author Unknown –

I’m tryin’ to find a pumpkin with the right personality. It’s like trying to tell what someone’s face is like by looking at the back of their head.
– Lynn Johnston –

In the night, imagining some fear,
How easy is a bush supposed a bear!
– William Shakespeare –

I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly.
— Elizabeth, Friday the 13th –

On Halloween, what bothers some
About these witches, is how come
In sailing, through the air, like bats
They never seem, to lose their hats?…
Another thing: if brooms can fly,
Do witches keep them handy-by
To sweep the kitchen floor with, say?
Or do they have them locked away
For private passage through the sky?
– David McCord (1897–1997), “Witch’s Broom Notes” –

Shadows of a thousand years rise again unseen,
Voices whisper in the trees, “Tonight is Halloween!”
– Dexter Kozen –

The jack-o-lantern follows me with tapered, glowing eyes.
His yellow teeth grin evily. His cackle I despise.
But I shall have the final laugh when Halloween is through.
This pumpkin king I’ll split in half to make a pie for two.”
– Richelle E. Goodrich, Slaying Dragons –

There is a growing list of Halloween costumes that have been described as inappropriate because they are negative representations. Lynda Davis, at BoomerBroadcast wonders: “If I answer the door dressed as myself, an aging baby boomer in a comfortable T-shirt and yoga pants will I offend my entire generation?”

Our pumpkins, last year, safely secured for the trip home from the store.

The pumpkin looked delicious—almost perfectly round and deep yellow in colour, it sat on the passenger seat beside her so comfortably as she drove out of the car park, so pleased to be what it was, that she imagined conducting a conversation with it… And the pumpkin would remain silent, of course, but would somehow indicate that it knew what she was talking about, that there were similar issues in the world of pumpkins.

There was no harm, she thought, in allowing your imagination to run away with you, as a child’s will do, because the thoughts that came in that way could be a comfort, a relief in a world that could be both sad and serious. Why not imagine a talk with a pumpkin? Why not imagine going off for a drive with a friendly pumpkin, a companion who would not, after all, answer back; who would agree with everything you said, and would at the end of the day appear on your plate as a final gesture of friendship?
– Alexander McCall Smith, The Woman Who Walked in Sunshine –

There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.
– Linus Van Pelt in “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” by Charles Schulz –

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn… Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it left over.
– Lewis Black –

Today, of course, our paranoia about child safety has reached this fabulous zenith whereby kids are only allowed to trick-or-treat accompanied by an adult… But back in the blithe, porno-soaked, latch-key seventies, the idea of trick-or-treating with a parent in tow was unthinkable — like publicly disclosing a preference for Barry Manilow.
– Steve Almond, “Night of the Living Freak,” Candyfreak: A Journey through the Chocolate Underbelly of America, 2004 –

Witch parking. All others will be toad.

What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no-body to go with.

You kids have fun, and be home by Thanksgiving!” our parents would call to us on Halloween night, as we staggered out the front door, weighed down by hundreds of pounds of concealed vandalism supplies, including enough raw eggs to feed Somalia for decades. By morning, thanks to our efforts, the entire neighborhood would be covered with a layer of congealed shaving cream and toilet paper that, around certain unpopular neighbors’ homes, was hundreds of feet thick. This is how the Appalachian Mountains were formed.
– Dave Barry –

Scott Adams Quotations

The Quippery

Scott Adams is the creator of the Dilbert comic strip. He is also the author of several nonfiction works of satire, commentary and business. His writing is often satirical and/or sarcastic. Adams frequently speaks about media bias, citing instances (such as the ‘Fine People hoax’) where the media attributes a statement to a public figure but distorts the meaning by omitting a key statement made by that person.

His books include two bestsellers: How To Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big and Win Bigly: Persuasion in a World Where Facts Don’t Matter.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Everybody is somebody’s else’s weirdo.

If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ?

If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.

If you’re going to create, create a lot. Creativity is not like playing the slot machines, where failure to win means you go home broke. With creativity, if you don’t win, you’re usually no worse off than if you hadn’t played.

I’m predicting that we’ll finally have a computer that will search my e-mail automatically and delete every message that begins with ‘thought you’d be interested,’ and then give an electrical shock to the sender to remind him or her to stop sending that kind of message.

I think the pleasure of completed work is what makes blogging so popular. You have to believe most bloggers have few if any actual readers. The writers are in it for other reasons. Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn. All you get is the pleasure of a completed task.

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.

Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs.

On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary.

Remember, freedom is always taken, never given.

Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it’s never a good idea to put them in the same room.

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn how to convert stupidity into clean fuel.

Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that’s O.K. because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and better problems.

The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there’s a lot more living to go, but there isn’t much doubt that I’ll always be the ‘Dilbert guy.’

The best plan now is to have as many bosses as possible. I call it boss diversity. If you work for a company and you have one boss and that boss doesn’t like you or wants to get rid of you, you’re in trouble. But if you work for yourself, you have lots of bosses, who are your customers, and if a few of them decide they don’t like you, that’s okay.

The greenest home is the one you don’t build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that’s already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don’t want.

There’s a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it’s where most of life happens.

There’s kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don’t pet her for 10 minutes she’ll bother you for six hours.

There’s no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people’s. If you want someone to like your idea, tell him he said it first last week and you just remembered it.

There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.

The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn to think of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy.

Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.

Mike Rowe Quotations – TEDTalk Learning from Dirty Jobs (Video)

Mike Rowe is a TV host, writer, narrator, producer, actor and spokesman. In his show “Dirty Jobs”, he traveled to all 50 states and completed 300 different jobs, transforming cable television into a landscape of swamps, sewers, ice roads, coal mines, oil derricks, crab boats, hillbillies, and lumberjack camps.
– From the Bio of Mike Rowe

At the risk of being glib, I would say if you really want to make America great again, you have to make work cool again.

… if we don’t have appreciation… If we’re not blown away by the miracle that occurs when we flick the switch and the lights come on; if we’re not gobsmacked by flushing the toilet and seeing all of it go away; when we start losing our appreciation for those things, the gap deepens. And I think the gap right now is extraordinary.

How are we ever going to accomplish anything in this incredibly divisive time if we associate only with people that we don’t disagree with?

In a very simple way, Dirty Jobs said ‘Hey — we can see you,’ to millions of regular people who had started to feel invisible. Ultimately, that’s why Dirty Jobs ran for eight seasons. And today, that’s also why Donald Trump is the President of the United States.
– Interview with the Washington Times –

Not all knowledge comes from college.

Passion is too important to be without, but too fickle to be guided by. Which is why I’m more inclined to say, ‘Don’t Follow Your Passion, But Always Bring it With You.’

The search for truth in cyberspace will take you through the wormhole, and there’s nothing on the other side but pedants and nitpickers and bottomless ambiguity. If you’re not careful, you’ll spend all your time proving everything and understanding nothing.

The thing to do is to talk about a PR campaign for work — manual labor, skilled labor. Somebody needs to be out there, talking about the forgotten benefits.

We are lending money we don’t have to kids who can’t pay it back to train them for jobs that no longer exist. That’s nuts.

We need to tell better stories of men and women who master a trade. We have to stop telling kids to blindly follow their passion and show them the opportunities that exist. That was the big, overarching message of ‘Dirty Jobs.’

We’ve become slowly and inexorably and profoundly disconnected from a lot of very basic things that, when I grew up, I was really connected to – like where my food comes from, where my energy comes from, basic history, basic curiosity, you know? The things that fundamentally allow us to assume a level of appreciation that, in my view, is the best way to bridge those gaps.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? … Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Mind and Mental Health Quotations

The Quippery

Some of the following quotations will offend someone. Some will make someone smile.
As Jimmy Buffett says: “If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.”

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
– Jerome Lawrence –

As you look at history, it’s apparent that human behaviour is much easier to predict than the weather.
– Michael Levine, Lessons at the Halfway Point –

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, just make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
– William Gibson –

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
– Author Unknown –

Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
– Robin Williams –

Gettin’ up a lynch party is not group therapy.
– Gladiola Montana, Never Ask a Man the Size of His Spread –

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?
– Author Unknown –

I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.
– Author Unknown –

I may rise, but I refuse to shine.
– Author Unknown –

Instead of a sign that says ‘Do Not Disturb;’ I need one that says, ‘Already disturbed, proceed with caution.’
– aunty acid –

In a perfect world, everyone would have sufficient insight to know when their engines needed a tune-up. In our world, some cars need to be towed in.
– Jonathan Kellerman –

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
– Badge, Brussels, 1984 –

It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.
– Sally Kempton –

It’s not easy to stay sane in a world which offers such a wonderful choice of madnesses.
– Ashleigh Brilliant –

I want to show that the dividing lines between sanity and mental illness have been drawn in the wrong place.
– Anthony Storr –

I was popular once, but my therapist took all my imaginary friends away.
– Author Unknown –

Neurotic: A person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion.
– Dan Bennett, Readers Digest, April 1957 –

One out of four people in this country is mentally imbalanced. Think of your three closest friends – and if they seem okay, then you’re the one.
– Ann Landers –

One of the greatest mental freedoms is truly not caring what anyone else thinks of you.
– Author Unknown –

Pointing to his head: “My committee wakes up about an hour and a half before I do.”
– John Larroquette –

Richard, in describing to his aunt in Halifax what Down Syndrome meant, said that it would probably mean Sam wouldn’t be the Prime Minister of Canada but could possibly be a cabinet minister in New Brunswick.
– Wendy Lil –

Sanity is maintained only by healthy and regular promenades around it’s border.
– Davidson & Rugge –

Some doctors say that cheerful people resist disease better than grumpy ones. The surly bird catches the germ.
– Leadershop, Vol F No 7C –

Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don’t understand, goes to the store for a quart of milk.
– Joel, Northern Exposure –

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
– David Letterman –

The human brain is like a freight car – guaranteed to have a certain capacity, but often running empty.
– Farmers Almanac, 1997 Volume 180 –

There are some who say the entire North American continent is formed on a decided tilt, resulting in all the nuts rolling to the West. We have never denied this.
– Anne Cameron –

There is no standard normal. Normal is subjective. There are seven billion versions of normal on this planet.
― Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive –

Though confined to the mental hospital most of the time – which he appeared to accept as just another curious event in his troubled life – he wrote Theo as he started painting again.
– David Douglas Duncan, Sunflowers for Van Gogh –

To live frugally and decently…to live sanely in a troubled world.
– Scott Nearing –

Trekkie…addicts felt they were boldly going where few had gone before but researchers feared many took Captain Kirk’s instruction of “Beam Me Up, Scotty” too literally and suggested they were on a different planet.
– Reuters Ltd London –

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
– Mark Twain –

Woman to psychiatrist: “If my life were a movie, this is about the time I’d go to the snack bar.”
– Carrie Snow –

“You seem to be reacting to your boyfriend as if he were your father,” your shrink may say stonily (unless she is a strict Freudian, in which case she’ll shut up and wait until you think of it yourself, a process that usually takes ten years. This is why strict Freudians have such lovely summer houses.)
– Cynthia Heimel –

Your mind’s been wandering for years. Maybe it’s time the rest of you went with it.
– Bucar’s RV Ad –

Stephen Fry Quotations

An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.

How can I tell you what I think until I’ve heard what I’m going to say?

I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people in the world?

It is the useless things that make life worth living and that make life dangerous too: wine, love, art, beauty. Without them life is safe, but not worth bothering with.

I think animal testing is cruel. They get all nervous and give silly answers.

I shouldn’t be saying this, high treason really, but I sometimes wonder if Americans aren’t fooled by our accent into detecting a brilliance that may not really be there.

Knowing what I now know I would never have done anything so fatuous; but then I never would have known what I know now had I not.

Nothing in this world is at it seems. Except, possibly, porridge.

One technology doesn’t replace another, it complements. Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.

P. G. Wodehouse… used, when in town, to solve the problem of the long walk to the post-office by the simple expedient of tossing his letters out of his window: his belief that the average human, finding a stamped and addressed envelope on the pavement, would naturally pop it into the nearest pillar-box was never once, in decades, shown to be unfounded.

The English language is an arsenal of weapons. If you are going to brandish them without checking to see whether or not they are loaded, you must expect to have them explode in your face from time to time.

The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious. Incuriousity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.

There is something in the American project, something in simple American oratory, something in the hope and idealism of this frustrating and contradictory nation that still makes my spirits soar and my heart leap with optimism and belief. If only they understood how to make a cup of tea.

What’s magical about [bears] is that they just spend one-hundred percent of every minute of every hour of every day being a bear. And a tree-frog spends all of its time being a tree-frog. We spend all our time trying to be somebody else.

What makes a good family? Well, I suppose obviously love. Love lubricated often I think by humor. I think a family that can laugh at each other and tease themselves and who are able to be jolly with each other I think is the key.

Thanksgiving and Turkey Quotations

The Quippery

Ah! on Thanksgiving day….
When the care-wearied man seeks his mother once more,
And the worn matron smiles where the girl smiled before.
What moistens the lips and what brightens the eye?
What calls back the past, like the rich pumpkin pie?
– John Greenleaf Whittier –

A lady at the grocery store was looking at frozen turkeys, but she couldn’t find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, with a straight face, “No, man’am, they’re dead.”
– Author Unknown –

Aliens in their spaceship: “Last month they were lobotomizing pumpkins, now they’re shoving bread up a turkey’s butt. This planet has issues, Bert.”
– Cartoon –

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.
– Kin Hubbard –

At our Thanksgiving meal today we discussed politics (“Who votes for more cranberries?”), gender issues (“Is that a boy bird or a girl bird?”) and climate change (“That oven is making it warm in here!”). Hope you’re having a good one, too!
– Pat Sajak @patsajak –

Before you marry someone, find out if their family drinks mimosas or runs 5K on holiday mornings.
– Author Unknown –

Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.
– William Arthur Ward –

How to make a vegetarian turkey for Thanksgiving: Make up a batch of Rice Krispies Treats. Shape into something resembling a turkey body. Scoop out a hole where the dressing would go. Fill with smarties.
– Author Unknown –

I love Thanksgiving turkey… It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
– Arnold Schwarzenegger –

In light of the million think pieces on how to deal with your family on Thanksgiving, I offer a radical idea…
Be gracious, kind and thankful to those around you and see what happens.
– Dave Rubin @RubinReport –

I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.
– Robert Brault –

It has been an unchallengeable American doctrine that cranberry sauce, a pink goo with overtones of sugared tomatoes, is a delectable necessity of the Thanksgiving board and that turkey is uneatable without it.
– Alistair Cooke –

I think there’d be quite a market for Thanksgiving carols.
“Have a Holly Jolly Turkey”
“Jingle Bellies”
“All I want for Christmas is food”
“O Holy Nap”
-Keith Wynn –

It’s hard to be thankful when you’re stuffing bread crumbs up a cold turkey’s butt at 5 A.M.
– Maxine –

It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.
– Friends –

Kristina: (looking at me) “What are you wearing today for Thanksgiving with my family.”
Me: (Already dressed and ready to go) “Apparently not what I’m wearing now.”
– Scott Adams @ScottAdamsSays –

Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning… For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.
– Random Randomness. –

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
– Grandpa Jones –

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
– Phyllis Diller –

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.
– Dave Barry –

POPCORN STUFFING FOR TURKEY
Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked but not dried out. Give this a try.
12-15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT)
salt and pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey’s butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it’s done.
– Author Unknown –

Thanksgiving Alphabet
T … Turkeys, table-spreads, being together,
H … Happiness and homes to protect us from all weather,
A … Aunts and uncles, a reunion in Fall,
N … Nieces and nephews, family members all.
K … Kind-hearted kin coming over for dinner,
S … Surely you’ll have fun, but you won’t get thinner.
– Author Unknown –

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence.
– Erma Bombeck –

“That can’t be right” (turkey looking at its cell phone message which says ‘Thursday’s temp 350 degrees.’)
– Mark Parisi Cartoon –

The Fortune Teller told the turkey: “I see you, a chicken, and a duck and – oh my, this doesn’t end well.
– Scott Metzger Cartoons –

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
– Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings –

The thing I’m most thankful for right now is eleastic waistbands.
– Author Unknown –

This year we’re having the words, “There’s more gravy in the kitchen” stitched right on the napkins.
– Robert Brault –

Turkey arrested! Police suspect fowl play.
– Indian Hills Community Sign –

Two snowmen were looking through the window at a family serving whole carrots with their Thanksgiving dinner. The one snowman said to the other, “OMG! They’re eating noses!”
– Whyatt –

What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
– Erma Bombeck –

We may not have it all together, but together, we have it all.
– Author Unknown –

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
– George Carlin –

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
– Jay Leno –

You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.
– Dylan Brody –

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American Readers!