Understanding Quotations

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good cat.
– Author Unknown –

Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.
– L.M. Boyd –

As I grow older and wiser, I’ve begun to understand how little I understand.
-Author Unknown –

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
– Grossman’s Law –

I did not fully understand the dread term ‘terminal illness’ until I saw Heathrow Airport for myself.
– Dennis Potter –

I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.
– Author Unknown –

I don’t understand your specific kind of crazy, but I do admire your total commitment to it.
– Author Unknown –

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
– Robert McCloskey –

I’m trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
– Erma Bombeck –

I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
– Author Unknown –

It isn’t easy being the parent of a six year old today. However, it’s a small price to pay to have someone around the house who understands computers.
– S.D. Sisseton –

I understand the concept of COOKING and CLEANING – just not as it applies to me.
– Author Unknown –

Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t so.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book –

Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence.
– Hal Borland –

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.
– Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader –

Read not to contradict and confute; nor to believe and take for granted; nor to find talk and discourse; but to weigh and consider. Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested: that is, some books are to be read only in parts, others to be read, but not curiously, and some few to be read wholly, and with diligence and attention.
― Francis Bacon, The Essays –

Sometimes it’s not enough to know what things mean, sometimes you have to know what things don’t mean.
― Bob Dylan –

Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don’t understand, goes to the store for a quart of milk.
– Joel, Northern Exposure –

What part of s = sqrt{frac{1}{N-1} sum_{i=1}^N (x_i – overline{x})^2} don’t you understand?
– Author Unknown –

Normal Quotations

A ‘normal person’ is what is left after society has squeezed out all unconventional opinions and aspirations out of a human being.
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana –

But there is no obvious reason for holding that some normal adults are entitled to make choices for other normal adults, as paternalists of both left and right believe.
– Tom G. Palmer –

For every “Drive Safely” sign, shouldn’t there be a “Resume Normal Driving” sign?
– Robert Brault-

In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to come across long passages which are almost completely lacking in meaning.
– George Orwell –

It’s a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it, normal to ignore it.
– Charles E. McKenzie –

I’ve recently started a dating app for chickens. It’s not my normal day job,
it’s just to make hens meet.
– Author Unknown –

Normal sized babies are delivered by stork. Heavier babies are delivered by crane.
– Author Unknown –

Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
– Scott Adams –

Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.
– Author Unknown –

The ghastly thing about postal strikes is that after they are over, the service returns to normal.
– Richard J. Needham –

The government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot ‘n Calm ‘Em will last for the rest of the week.
– Author Unknown –

The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.
– Alfred Adler –

The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
– P. J. O’Rourke –

What do you call just one, normal potato?
A Commontater.
– Author Unknown –

When you finally accept that it’s OK not to have answers and it’s OK not to be perfect, you realize that feeling confused is a normal part of what it is to be a human being.
– Winona Ryder –

You know what kind of person it takes to run for President? Not normal.
– David Baldacci –

Goals and Life Lists Quotations

1. Going to bed early. 2 Not leaving my house. 3. Required Naps.
My childhood punishments are now my adult goals.
– Author Unknown –

Don’t worry if plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
– doozylist.com –

Be grateful for what you already have while you pursue your goals.
If you aren’t grateful for what you already have, what makes you think you would be happy with more.
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart –

Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I’ll give you a man who will make history. Give me a man with no goals and I’ll give you a stock clerk.
– J.C. Penney –

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone’s expectations.
– Bill Watterson –

It’s better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than at the top of the one you don’t.
– Stephen Kellogg –

My goal in 2022 is to accomplish the goals I set in 2021 which I should have done in 2020 because I made a promise in 2019 which I planned in 2018.
– Author Unknown –

My goal is to build a life I don’t need a vacation from.
– Author Unknown –

My weekend to do list is basically just a list of things I want to eat.
– abbyhasissues.com –

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.
– Mark Twain –

Pink Panther’s To Do List:
– To Do
– To Do
– To Do, To Do, To Do, To Do, To Doooo dodododododo

The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else’s life.
– Frank Zappa –

There was a time in my life, decades ago, when I was so full of energy that I was going to not only END WORLD HUNGER but also STOP WAR and ELIMINATE RACISM. Whereas today my life goals, to judge from the notes I leave myself, tend to be along the lines of BUY DETERGENT.
– Dave Barry –

Tell Me Why!

Stephen Wright, the American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer asks:

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Other People ask:

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?
– John Cleese –

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
– Will Rogers –

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
– Robin Williams –

Other People have Answers:

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.
– Winston Churchill –

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
– Gilbert K. Chesterton –

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.
– Lily Tomlin –

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’
– Dave Barry –

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
– Ronald Reagan –

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
– Alan Dundes –

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
– George Carlin –

Do you have some ‘why’ questions like these? Do you have answers to any of these ‘Why’ Questions?

Quirky Quips and Quotes – The Well of Lost Thoughts

The growth in the internet, 24-hour television and mobile phones means that we now receive five times as much information every day as we did in 1986….
– The Telegraph –

1986! That’s recent history to someone who is my age! With decades and decades of information input, my memory hard drive is full. The only way to add something new is to delete something older.  Unfortunately, I don’t necessarily remember what I deleted, which results in a blank look on my face while my mind goes “to the store” looking for what might not have been deleted but stored on a different shelf or that which was deleted but might be recovered if I quickly delete the reason I’m walking from one room to another.

A while back I wrote a post about Absent- mindedness. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but my blog is my “Well of Lost Thoughts”,   so you (and I) can read what I wrote here:  Upside to Absent-mindedness.

We really are living in an age of information overload. Google estimates that there are 300 exabytes (300 followed by 18 zeros) of human-made information in the world today. Only four years ago there were just 30 exabytes. We’ve created more information in the past few years than in all of human history before us.
– Daniel Levitin –

Are you filling your head with empty calories?
― Frank Sonnenberg, Soul Food: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life –

Tom Swifties Quotations #3

A ‘Tom Swifty’ is a play on words. It usually starts with a quotation, followed by an adverb that describes how Tom was speaking. (For more Tom Swifties, and a brief history of this type of parody, see Tom Swifties Quotations #1 and Tom Swifties Quotations #2.

“All right — we’ll use a water solution”, Tom acquiesced.

“And to think I swallowed that lie, hook, line and sinker!” Tom gulped.

“Eating uranium can cause strange effects,” said Tom brightly.

“Honey, put on that see-through thing,” said Tom negligently.

“How do you start a model-T Ford without a battery?” asked Tom crankily.

“I always eat at McDonald’s,” said Tom archly.

“I am NOT full of hot air,” Tom belched.

“I collect fairy tales,” said Tom grimly.

“I didn’t look at all!” Tom peeped.

“I haven’t had any tooth decay YET,” said Tom precariously.

“I hope you’re not afraid of needles,” Tom injected.

“I just got a job putting up steel girders!” Tom beamed.

“I know what a bunch of lions is called,” said Tom with pride.

“I like ragged margins,” said Tom without justification.

“I’ll try to dig up a couple of friends,” said Tom gravely.

“I’m going to sue my real estate agent for not warning me the prairies were so flat,” said Tom plaintively.

“I’m on welfare,” said Tom dolefully.

“I think I’ll put new stuffing in that old settee,” said Tom fill-a-sofa-cally.

“It’s not a candy mint, it’s a breath mint,” Tom asserted.

“I’ve run out of laundry detergent,” said Tom cheerlessly.

“I will NOT finish in fifth place,” Tom held forth.

“Looks like rain,” said Tom precipitously.

“Nice mirror!” said Tom reflectively.

“Now where did I put that magazine?” Tom asked periodically.

“Of course I can make armour out of chains,” Tom replied by mail.

“She even flies her own jet,” Tom leered.

“The door’s ajar,” said Tom openly.

“The train’s late,” Tom railed.

“This bud’s for you,” said Tom lightly.

“Why shouldn’t I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

“Y’all, I’m leavin’,” said Dolly, partin’.

“Zoos are a necessary evil, I think,” said Tom cagily.

Last but not least, this contribution from Al at Cvillean: “Shocked at having been diagnosed with laryngitis, Tom was left speechless.”

Erma Bombeck Quotations

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.

Do not take the chill off the room by turning the iron to the cotton setting.

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I don’t know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

I learned the importance of a man’s chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out.

I’m trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

It is fast approaching the point where I don’t want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

I was browsing in a bookstore recently when I came across a book on child raising. It was a thin little volume of about fifteen or twenty pages that used the word “love” on every page and “reinforcement of self-esteem” on every other page. I leafed through it several times looking for the word that no parent should raise a child without: “No.” It wasn’t there. Mistake.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

My mom has a plaque just inside her front door that reads, “If we get to drinking Sunday afternoon and start insisting that you stay over until Tuesday, please remember we don’t mean it.”

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a big part in their lives.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence.

The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?

There is no known navy-blue food. If there is navy-blue food in the refrigerator, it signifies death.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

Tom Swifties Quotations #2

A ‘Tom Swifty’ is a play on words. It usually starts with a quotation, followed by an adverb that describes how Tom was speaking. (For more Tom Swifties, and a brief history of this type of parody, see Tom Swifties Quotations #1.

“Blow on the fire so it doesn’t go out,” Tom bellowed.

“Company should be here in about an hour,” Tom guessed.

“Dawn came too soon,” Tom mourned.

“I couldn’t believe we lost the election by two votes,” Tom recounted.

“I’m losing my hair,” Tom bawled.

“I suppose there’s room for one more,” Tom admitted.

“It’s made the grass wet,” said Tom after due consideration.

“I used to own that gold mine,” Tom exclaimed.

“I’ve had my left and right ventricles removed,” Tom said half-heartedly.

“I’ve never had a car accident,” said Tom recklessly.

“Measure twice before you cut,” Tom remarked.

“My hair’s been cut off,” Tom said distressfully.

“Please put some folds in these trousers,” Tom pleaded.

“Thanks for shredding the cheese,” Tom said gratefully.

“That’s no purebred,” Tom muttered.

“Where did you get this meat?” Tom asked hoarsely.

“We’ve taken over the government,” Tom cooed.

“You dropped a stitch,” Tom needled.

“You look like a goat,” Tom kidded.