Limericks

There was a young lady of Niger

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I am wrong,
You expect this last line to be lewd!

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue,
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

A forgetful old gasman named Dieter,
Who went poking around his gas heater,
Touched a leak with his light;
He blew out of sight—
And, as everyone who knows anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.

A magazine writer named Bing
Could make copy from most anything;
But the copy he wrote
of a ten-dollar note
Was so good he now lives in Sing Sing.

A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A.s and Lit.D’s,
Collapsed from the strain,
Said her doctor, “It’s plain
You are killing yourself — by degrees!”

A mosquito cried out in pain:
“A chemist has poisoned my brain!”
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.

A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knittin’
He said, with a sigh,
“That park bench–well I
Just painted it, right where you’re sittin.'”

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His beak can hold more than his belican.
He can hold in his beak,
Enough food for a week,
But I’m damned if I see how the helican.
– Dixon Lanier Merritt –

Is Algebra fruitless endeavor?
It seems they’ve been trying for ever
To find x, y, and z
And it’s quite clear to me:
If they’ve not found them yet then they’ll never.
– Graham Lester –

I’ve done it — I’ve done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I’ve not used since the year I was born.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

There once was a lady named Ferris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass.
‘Til the bath salts one day,
in the tub where she lay,
turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
– Dayton Voorhees –

There was a young lady named Bright,
Whose speed was far faster than light;
She started one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
– A. H. Reginald Buller in Punch (Dec. 19, 1923) –

There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The complete oboe part
Of Mozart’s quartet in F major.

There was a young lady of Niger
who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
They returned from the ride
with the lady inside,
and the smile on the face of the tiger.
– Edward Lear and William Cosmo Monkhouse –

Last, but certainly not least, this Limerick was written by my favourite Virginia Beach blogger, Al Hood at The Cvillean

Margy authors a blog called amusive
And with funny folks she’s collusive
She makes everyone’s day
With jokes that will slay
Cause for laughing they’re really conducive!

Bulwer-Lytton Quotations

The English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest since 1982. It is a literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence for the worst possible novel. The following submissions are the ones I liked best from the years 2017-2020. Be sure to go to their website to read all the other excellent entries!

After almost twenty years of baldness, Harry finally decided to splurge on an expensive, human-hair wig – after all, four hundred dollars to look twenty years younger was a small price toupée.
– Julian Calvin, Bellbrook, OH –

Although the public’s initial concerns about artificial intelligence and the “internet of things” had been troubling, its eventual ability to embrace those advances only underscored the greatness of America, mused Hoover Upright LXI as he took the oath of office to become the first cordless vacuum cleaner elected to Congress.
– G. Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, CA –

Call me Ishmael, for my tale is that of the only survivor of the attack by a great white whale on the “Pequod,” our Nantucket whaling vessel, and though the story is so fantastic you may be tempted to question my veracity, I need only remind you that writers write and readers read, and you really should stay in your own lane.
– John Hardi, Falls Church, VA –

Deep within the Great Pyramid, Pharaoh Khufu gazed at the walls of what would eventually be his burial chamber, asking himself what he had been thinking in entrusting its adornment to the teenaged Prince and Princess, but comforting himself with the certainty that the younger generation would soon tire of these annoying “emoticons” and return to the rich thirty-character Egyptian alphabet.
– G. Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, CA –

Dropping his now-empty Remington .30-06 and tearing across the tundra after two weeks of hunting in the Alaskan wilderness in the company of none other than three-time Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt—the rustic outing being the spoils of his winning bid at the Sun Valley Country Day School live-auction fundraiser—Bart Michaelman realized with dismay that, in this particular instance, he did in fact have to outrun the bear.
– Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, CA –

For rookie detective Lara Stinson, the hardest aspect of her most recent case was not discovering that the adolescent victim had been thrown from the tenth story of the apartment building by his own grandmother, but rather trying to spell “defenestration by octogenarian” in her subsequent report.
– Thomas Purdy, Roseville, CA –

Gasping for breath as she lay in the dew-laden lakeside grass, Rifka Lieberman’s chest heaved with rising passion as Saul Cohen approached with the inhaler she had left behind at the assisted living facility.
– Leo Gordon, Los Angeles, CA –

Gregory was falling in love with the doe-eyed Nora, not knowing that she could be an infuriating, complicated woman at times, like one of those self-service checkout machines at the grocery store where you can never figure out where to insert the money or get your change, plus the scanner never recognizes your jar of Vlasic sweet pickles so you have to call the attendant.
– Steve Lynch, Tucson, AZ –

“He’s got a good head on his shoulders” overheard Preston the Praying Mantis of his fiancée chatting with her mother, though he may not have understood the full implications thereof.
– Peter Bjorkman, Rocklin, CA –

In preparation for visits by African dignitaries, we had redecorated the West Wing of the White House in an African motif with numerous artificial plants and animals, but the President asked that we remove the papier-mache wildebeests, saying he was “tired of fake gnus.”
– Wm. “Buddy” Ocheltree, Snellville, GA –

It seemed a cruel irony to Nigel when he realized, only in hindsight, how mistaken he had been to abandon his youthful ambition to become a technical writer and bend to his parents’ wishes that he go into proctology.
– Scott Wilson, Corvallis, OR –

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times – though any decent statistician might net those two factors together and conclude that things were fairly average all round.
– David Meech, Auckland, New Zealand –

Knowing well the hand signals of his platoon leader, Private James Dawson silently dropped to the dirt, concealed and motionless for what seemed an eternity, a move that he had learned, coincidentally, from his parents whenever the Watchtower ladies would ring the doorbell.
– Peter S. Bjorkman, Rocklin, CA –

“Master Wlfindermx sauntered across the Plains of Teflandous towards the city of Gjorgturc carrying the mythical Blade of Vulbertrian, once owned by Lord Leszsoriog,” wrote the author, who wanted to make the life of the audiobook narrator a living hell.
– Robert Greer, Queen Creek, AZ –

Phoebe, age 15, very much regretted not having a little sister or brother, but reflecting on the embarrassing moment of earlier that morning when she had walked into her parent’s bedroom at a most inopportune time, she thought Ben Franklin’s list woefully incomplete, for there most certainly were things, besides laws and sausages, that you might like, but you definitely did not want to see being made.
– Herbert Krimmel, Los Angeles, CA –

She sauntered into his smoke-filled office with legs that, although they didn’t go quite all the way to heaven, definitely went high enough for him to see that she was a giraffe.
– Jarrett Dement, Eau Claire, WI –

Once in a great while a story is so magnificent, so grand, so great that it begs to be told and while this is not one of those stories, it’s nice to know that they’re out there.
– Douglas A. Bass, Farmington, NY –

Terellian Shapeshifters often blew their cover by taking subtly inappropriate forms — a squirrel that swims perhaps, or a chair with five legs — but Officer Max Throckmorton spotted this one immediately; every Human knows that bidets are NOT purple, and they usually aren’t installed next to a McDonald’s drink dispenser.
– Mark Watson, Chapel Hill, NC –

The fun had seemed innocent at first—simple handstands and easy dismounts, but as the hours passed the routines became more intricate and aggressive with cartwheels and round-offs, competitive and risky with back walkovers and flipping twists, until the twins’ mother ordered them to stop the nonsense and return Grandpa’s walker so he finally could get to the dinner table.
– Scott G. Witmer, Allentown, PA –

The gentle, rhythmic sound of water lapping at the metal hull of the boat transported Phillip back to a simpler time of marshmallow campfires and magical summers at the lake until, upon waking, he came to realize it was only the sound of the Roomba vacuuming robot which had short-circuited and was running repeatedly into the baseboard heat register.
– Tony Buccella, Allegany, NY –

Walking home, picking crushed bouquet bits from his hair and lapel, it occurred to Stan that perhaps “spotless” was the wrong compliment for Evelyn’s home so soon after the incident between the Mazda and her beloved Dalmatian.
– Steve Lauducci, Bethlehem, PA –

Whether I shall emerge from this tale as the hero of my own life, or whether that station be the lot of another, these pages must show, and the path for you, dear reader, will be, as it was for me, long and tortuous, though pages 247-252 will clear up a lot.
– John Hardi, Falls Church, VA –

WD Fyfe Quotations

Canadian author WD Fyfe has written material for radio, newspapers and magazines. He has also published three books which can be found on Amazon: The Woman In The Window, Dogsh*t Without Tears, and Songs of Sylvia. His blog is  WD Fyfe. The following quotations are from his blog – either his own musings or occasionally borrowed from the brilliant philosopher Anon.

After enduring nearly a year of a planetary plague, I can now fully understand why all the women in Renaissance paintings are a little overweight and braless.

A written test before anyone is allowed to vote. Even multiple choice (guess?) would be better than nothing. (Stuff we need)

Deny it or not, in the 21st century, we’re wading in the shallow end of the intellectual swimming pool. Most people don’t know enough history to fill a mouse’s ear.

Don’t ask me what’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done: I haven’t peaked yet.

Finally realizing that the reason you clean the house before people come over is you don’t want them to think you actually live this way.

I don’t care what wonders the newest wonder drug does, the “side effects” litany scares the hell out of me. Honestly, “may cause dry mouth, tremors, depression, heart attack, vomiting, internal bleeding, external bleeding, massive bleeding and your tongue’s going fall out” leaves me a little reluctant to try taking it for “occasional arthritis pain.”

If, at some point, you just lose it and confront the clothes dryer, demanding the return of all the socks it’s stolen over the years, you need to take a step back. (Advice to avoid Covid Burn-out)

I hate being the parent because I always have to say no to all the same things I loved doing as a kid.

I’ll betcha right about now, Joe Biden’s thinking, “Hey, people! I’ve got mittens, too!” (Random thoughts January 2021)

It’s never a good sign when your fitness watch starts flashing stress warnings and you haven’t even gotten out of bed yet.

Personally, I think nudity in films is never necessary. Every movie I’ve ever seen would be just as good (or bad) without it – except porn, of course, where nudity is, in fact, “integral to the storyline.”

Realizing you’re excited about Valentine’s Day because you know chocolate’s going to go on sale the morning of the 15th.

Single people don’t know there’s a wrong way to load the dishwasher.

The best thing about working from home is you don’t have to fight through all the lunch purses in the company refrigerator — and, sometimes, a pigeon sits on the balcony.

The only thing in the universe that’s worse than a Man Cold is being married to someone who has a Man Cold.

The other day I thought it would be cool if someone invented a hot veggie smoothie; then I remembered — it’s called soup.

Transparent toasters. So we can at least see what that maniac machine is doing to our bread! (Stuff we need)

When I was young, I fell off my bike and fractured my ankle. I rode my bike home. Last week, I stubbed my toe– and I haven’t left the sofa since.

When I was young, I thought I’d have a great career, a wild social life, a cool apartment and a retirement plan. I ended up with mismatched wineglasses and a toilet that won’t quit flushing unless you jiggle the handle.

When a two-year-old offers anybody a toy telephone, even the biggest badass in history will answer it.

When I was a kid, it was “normal” to write letters to your friends — with a pen — on paper. Since then, we’ve been through at least three “new normals,” and — like it or don’t — there are a bunch more to come.

With all the crap that’s going on in the world, these days I watch The Shining to relax.

Dr. Thomas Sowell Quotations

Thomas Sowell is an American economist, social theorist, and senior fellow at Stanford University’s Hoover Institution. Imagine how different the next generation of young people might be if they were exposed to and educated about the ideas Dr. Sowell discusses…

As long as human beings are imperfect, there will always be arguments for extending the power of government to deal with these imperfections. The only logical stopping place is totalitarianism — unless we realize that tolerating imperfections is the price of freedom.

Considering how often throughout history even intelligent people have been proved to be wrong, it is amazing that there are still people who are convinced that the only reason anyone could possibly say something different from what they believe is stupidity or dishonesty.

Dave Rubin: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
Dr. Sowell: It’s a super highway.

Equality of rights does not mean equality of results. I can have all the equal treatment in the world on a golf course and I will not finish within shouting distance of Tiger Woods.

If politicians stopped meddling with things they don’t understand, there would be a more drastic reduction in the size of government than anyone in either party advocates.

If we start operating on the principle that people alive today are responsible for what their ancestors did in centuries past, we will be adopting a principle that can tear any society apart.

If you cannot achieve equality of performance among people born to the same parents and raised under the same roof, how realistic is it to expect to achieve it across broader and deeper social divisions?

I have never understood why it is “greed” to want to keep the money you have earned but not greed to want to take somebody else’s money.

In short, killing the goose that lays the golden egg is a viable political strategy, so long as the goose does not die before the next election and no one traces the politicians’ fingerprints on the murder weapon.

Intellect is not wisdom.

It is amazing how many people think that the government’s role is to give them what they want by overriding what other people want.

It is amazing that people who think we cannot afford to pay for doctors, hospitals, and medication somehow think that we can afford to pay for doctors, hospitals, medication and a government bureaucracy to administer it.

It would be hard to think of a more ridiculous way to make decisions than to transfer those decisions to third parties who pay no price for being wrong. Yet that is what at least half of the bright ideas of the political left amount to.

Many of the words and phrases used in the media and among academics suggest that things simply happen to people, rather than being caused by their own choices or behavior.

Much of the social history of the Western world over the past three decades has involved replacing what worked with what sounded good.

No one will really understand politics until they understand that politicians are not trying to solve our problems. They are trying to solve their own problems – of which getting elected and re-elected are number one and number two. Whatever is number three is far behind.

One of the many disservices done to young people by our schools and colleges is giving them the puffed up notion that they are in a position to pass sweeping judgments on a world that they have barely begun to experience.

One of the scariest things about our times is how easy it is to scare people and start a political stampede. There are people who could be upset if they were told that half of all Americans earn less than the median income—though of course that is the way median income is defined.

People can’t be knowledgeable about everything but they can be knowledgeable about the extent of their own ignorance.

Racism is not dead, but it is on life support — kept alive by politicians, race hustlers and people who get a sense of superiority by denouncing others as “racists.”

Socialism is a wonderful idea. It is only as a reality that it has been disastrous. Among people of every race, color, and creed, all around the world, socialism has led to hunger in countries that used to have surplus food to export.

Some people seem to think that the answer to all of life’s imperfections is to create a government agency to correct them. If that is your approach, then go straight to totalitarianism. Do not pass “Go.” Do not collect $200.

The biggest myth about labor unions is that unions are for the workers. Unions are for unions, just as corporations are for corporations and politicians are for politicians.

The fundamental difference between equal treatment and equal performance is repeatedly confused. In performance terms, virtually no one is equal to anyone. The same individual is not even equal to himself on different days.

The left’s obsession with the high incomes of corporate executives never seems to extend to equally high – or higher – incomes of professional athletes, entertainers, or best-selling authors like Danielle Steel.

The income tax has spawned an intrusive bureaucracy, creating so much complexity and red tape that millions of ordinary citizens have to go get some accountant to fill out the forms for them – and then sign under penalty of perjury that it was done right. If you knew how to do it right, you wouldn’t have to go to somebody else to have it done, would you?

The minimum wage law is very cleverly misnamed. The real minimum wage is zero—and that is what many inexperienced and low-skilled people receive as a result of legislation that makes it illegal to pay them what they are currently worth to an employer.

There is usually only a limited amount of damage that can be done by dull or stupid people. For creating a truly monumental disaster, you need people with high IQs.

Those who disdain wealth as a worthy goal for an individual or a society seem not to realize that wealth is the only thing that can prevent poverty.

The problem with trying to equalize is that you can usually only equalize downward. Most activities do not exist for the sake of equality. They exist to serve their own purposes — and those purposes are undermined, sometimes fatally, when equality becomes the goal.

The strongest argument for socialism is that it sounds good. The strongest argument against socialism is that it doesn’t work. But those who live by words will always have a soft spot in their hearts for socialism because it sounds so good.

Those who cry out that the government should ‘do something’ never even ask for data on what has actually happened when the government did something, compared to what actually happened when the government did nothing.

What do you call it when someone takes someone else’s money openly by force? Robbery. What do you call it when a politician takes someone else’s money in taxes and gives it to someone who is more likely to vote for him? Social Justice.

What can we be certain of from history? That human beings have been wrong innumerable times, by vast amounts, and with catastrophic results. Yet today there are still people who think that anyone who disagrees with them must be either bad or not know what he is talking about.

When I was growing up, we were taught the stories of people whose inventions and scientific discoveries had expanded the lives of millions of other people. Today, students are being taught to admire those who complain, denounce and demand.

You can see the agenda behind the rhetoric when profits are called “unconscionable” but taxes never are, even when taxes take more than half of what someone has earned, or add much more to the prices we have to pay than profits do.

Links to more about Thomas Sowell

Thomas Sowell – Rose and Milton Friedman Senior Fellow on Public Policy
Thomas Sowell Website
Dave Rubin Interviews Thomas Sowell

Robert Brault Quotations

Robert Brault is a free-lance writer and author of five books: Reflections, Short Thoughts for the Long Haul, Round Up the Usual Subjects, The Second Collection and Thoughts on Art and Artists. He has contributed to magazines and newspapers in the USA for over 40 years.

A commuter tie-up consists of you — and people who for some reason won’t use public transit.

A holiday cocktail party is where every year you have the same conversation with the same person about who you both still are.

And I, I took the road less traveled by. I was using a GPS system.

A painting is what you make of it, besides which, ‘Moon, Weeping’ has a better ring to it than ‘Paintbrush, Dripping.’

As a general guideline, the fewer the words, the truer the words — an example being the words, “This is an opportunity you can’t afford to pass up,” where three fewer are usually truer.

As a general guideline, there are always as many political parties as there are ways the public can be misrepresented.”

As a great sage once said to me, “Listen if you’re an apple, don’t try to be an orange. It can lead to a life of fruitlessness.

Blogs seem to have two magnetic poles, one attracting friends, the other repulsing relatives.

I’d like to say, on behalf of all us lifelong doubters, that we’re a bit overwhelmed these days, there being so much information that needs to be doubted.

I have found, when judging people, that it’s best to wait until morning and judge them on the evidence of a good night’s sleep.

It is a shame when people of shared values form an allegiance and then proceed to sacrifice their values to the allegiance.

It is never too late, which is too bad, because it would get an awful lot of people started.

It is rare that we achieve happiness by increasing our supply of something that has nothing to do with it.

It is said that not all who wander are lost, which has always struck me as not getting the most out of wandering.

I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.

Marriage is nature’s way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.

No matter what your complaint, there is a number to call where you will be told that you are the first person ever to complain about it.

One thing social networking has made possible is the application of mob psychology without having to assemble a mob.

One thing you can learn from your dog is when to go lie under the dining room table and await developments.

Overheard on Judgment Day: “You did WHAT in My name?”

Sometimes you have to remove the clutter from your life to realize that you need the clutter.

There’s a chance, of course, that the person who always gives you a disapproving look actually approves of you but doesn’t have a look to go with it.

There is no daily chore so trivial that it cannot be made important by skipping it two days running.

Today’s thought question: “What are the chances that the reason you were born was to leave everything just the way it is?”

What would I appreciate to mark my passing? Perhaps a brief memorial and a small reception afterwards where people remark on how good the squash casserole is.

You just hope that a politician who claims to know what you deserve is better informed on other subjects.

Tom Swifties Quotations

A ‘Tom Swifty’ is a play on words. It usually starts with a quotation, followed by an adverb that describes how Tom was speaking.

The term was coined by Willard Espy (1911–99). It is a parody on the style of writing in a series of adventure books published by Edward Stratemeyer and written by an imaginary author, Victor Appleton. Tom Swift was the main character in the books.

“Don’t you love sleeping outdoors,” Tom said intently.

“Get to the back of the ship!” Tom said sternly.

“How do I get to the cemetery?” Tom asked gravely.

“I can’t find the oranges,” said Tom fruitlessly.

“I decided to come back to the group,” Tom rejoined.

“I’d like my money back, and some,” said Tom with interest.

“I don’t like hot dogs,” Tom said frankly.

“I forgot what I was supposed to buy,” Tom said listlessly.

“I have no flowers,” Tom said lackadaisically.

“I just dropped the toothpaste,” said Tom crestfallenly.

“I’ll have a bowl of Chinese soup,” Tom said wantonly.

“I’ll have another martini,” said Tom dryly.

“I’ll have the lamb,” Tom said sheepishly.

“I lost my trousers,” said Tom expansively.

“I love hot dogs,” said Tom with relish.

“I need a pencil sharpener,” Tom said bluntly.

“I’m no good at playing darts,” Tom said aimlessly.

“I only have diamonds, clubs, and spades,’ Tom said heartlessly.

“I’ve removed all the feathers from this chicken,” said Tom pluckily.

“I won the daily double,” Tom said hoarsely.

“Let’s gather up the rope,” said Tom coyly.

“Look at those newborn puppies,” said Tom literally.

“My girlfriend broke up with me,” Tom said ruthlessly.

“Parsley, sage, rosemary,” said Tom timelessly.

“Pass me another chip” said Tom crisply.

“That’s a lot of hay,” Tom said balefully.

“That’s the last time I’ll pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly.

“That’s the third time my teacher changed my grade,” Tom remarked.

“The thermostat is set too high,” said Tom heatedly.

“We just struck oil!” Tom gushed.

“You’re only average,” Tom said meanly.

Can you make up your own Tom Swifty? Were there any here that you didn’t get?

So Bad they are Good Puns and Jokes

With permission,  I’ve ‘borrowed’ most of the following bits of humor from ‘Bad Joke Monday’ at the blog ‘Feeding on Folly’. Talented blogger, Christi, illustrates these too – so please pop over to her place so that you can enjoy them in all their visual glory!

A bear walked into a bar and said, “Give me a whiskey and …………. cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asked the bartender.
The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

A guy goes into a bar and says “I’ll have a Corona and two hurricanes.”
The bartender says,  “That will be $20.20.”

A fisherman accidentally got some vinegar in his ear, and now suffers from pickled hearing.

A grasshopper hops into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says “hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper replies, incredulous, “You have a drink named Steve?”

A highway patrol motorcycle officer sees a woman speed past while knitting in the driver’s seat.
He hits the red lights and sets off in pursuit. She doesn’t stop, just keeps speeding along.
Finally he pulls along side and yells, “PULLOVER!!!”
She yelled back, “NO, CARDIGAN”

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say,
‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say,
‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!’
The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”

As we headed down the road, a large bug hit the windshield.
I said, “I’ll bet he doesn’t have the guts to do that again.”
Hubby responded, “Do you know what was the last thing to go through his mind? His butt!”

A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looked at him and said,
“I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeer?
No, they already have names.

Did you hear about the frog who parked in a red zone?
Yeah, his car was toad.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Every day at sunrise, rain, shine, fog, snow, Joe goes into his back yard,
faces east and says this little prayer:
“Dear God, please let me win the lottery today.”
He does this for twenty years.
Then one foggy morning the clouds part and a bright beam of light falls on Joe.
From the sky a booming voices says,
“Joe, meet me half way on this, buy a ticket.”

For every year someone spends in Phoenix, they get one off in hell.

How does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spent her time?
Staying awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilos overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely included in things either. (Christopher Hudspeth)

I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

The king of an African country issued a royal decree: No one may kill any wild animals.
The decree was honored, but soon there were too many lions and tigers in the kingdom. The people revolted and the king was removed from power.
It was the first known instance of a reign being called on account of game.

The man who invented auto-correct has died.
Restaurant in piece.

There once were some eggs from Boston
Who were sold to a store in Austin
But their shells were all cracked
When the train left the track
And their yolks leaked out, and they lost ‘em.
But they didn’t go out with a bang
So that wasn’t the end of our gang:
They found a good cook
With a recipe book
And lived life again as meringue!

What did the alien cat say to the Earth cat?
Take me to your litter.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

What do you call a part-time bandleader?
A semi-conductor.

What do you call an annoying pumpkin that does stupid stuff?
A jack-ass-o-lantern.

What do you call a soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What is the best stereo equipment to get for a dog?
A subwoofer with surround hound.

What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk.

Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.

Why was the Snowman opening the bags of carrots at the grocery store?
He was picking his nose.

With all the sporting events cancelled they are going to
broadcast the International Origami Championship.
It will be on PaperView!

Dislike Vs Hate Quotations

Dislike and Hate – how do they differ? Dislike is a feeling of aversion. Hate is an emotion of extreme hostility.

I really, really dislike Brussels Sprouts and cleaning toilets. I can’t think of anything I hate.

How about you – anything you strongly dislike so much that you feel hostile towards it?

A man who lives, not by what he loves but what he hates, is a sick man.
– Archibald MacLeish –

“And what problem does your hate solve?” he would ask us.
– Dr. SunWolf, professorsunwolf.com –

Dislike of another’s opinions and beliefs neither justifies our own nor makes us more certain of them: and to transfer the repugnance to the person himself is a mark of a vulgar mind.
– John Lancaster Spalding –

Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.
– Coretta Scott King –

Haters are the people who will broadcast your failures and whisper your success.
– Will Smith –

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
– Harry Emerson Fosdick –

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
– Winston Churchill –

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– A. Whitney Brown –

I don’t hate anyone. The only people I know well enough to hate, I love.
– Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com –

I do know how to treat people and that is treat them the way I want to be treated. So when I extend that respect and that consideration that I would like to have, there is a certain amount of reciprocating. Some of the senators have even said words to the effect to me of “I can’t dislike you as much as I wish that I did”.
– Ernie Chambers –

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
– Joan Rivers –

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
– Steve Martin –

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
– W. C. Fields –

I never yet heard man or woman much abused, that I was not inclined to think the better of them; and to transfer any suspicion or dislike, to the person who appeared to take delight in pointing out the defects of a fellow-creature.
– Jane Porter –

Isn’t it kind of silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up?
– Sean Covey –

I think that everybody wants to be heard, and the easiest way to be the loudest is to be the hater.
– ​Tavi Gevinson –

Love me or hate me, both are in my favour. If you love me, I will always be in your heart, and if you hate me, I will be in your mind.
– Qandeel Baloch –

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
– Drew Carey –

Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn’t that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you.
– Marilyn Monroe –

There is a story of an Oxford student who once remarked, “I despise all Americans, but have never met one I didn’t like.”
– Gordon Allport –

We can’t control the filters that others choose when they look at us.
– Rachel Wolchin –

We make up any excuse to preserve myths about people we love, but the reverse is also true; if we dislike an individual we adamantly resist changing our opinion, even when somebody offers proof of his decency, because it’s vital to have myths about both the gods and devils in our lives.
– Marlon Brando –

When you really know somebody you can’t hate them. Or maybe it’s just that you can’t really know them until you stop hating them.
– Orson Scott Card –

Halloween Quotations

Be sure to stock up on loads of sweets for Halloween so you have something to eat while hiding in the wardrobe.
– Rob Temple, Very British Problems, @SoVeryBritish, tweet, 2019 –

Dear Great Pumpkin, Halloween is now only a few days away. Children all over the world await you coming. When you rise out of the pumpkin patch that night, please remember I am your most loyal follower. Have a nice trip. Don’t forget to take out flight insurance.
― Linus from Charles M. Schulz’s “The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 6: 1961-1962 –

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
– Scottish Saying –

How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch!

I think if human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween. Wouldn’t life be more interesting that way? And now that I think about it, why the heck don’t they? Who made the rule that everybody has to dress like sheep 364 days of the year? Think of all the people you’d meet if they were in costume every day. People would be so much easier to talk to – like talking to dogs.
– Douglas Copeland –

I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
– Author Unknown –

I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and that white paste that you could eat.
– Dave Barry –

“I’m so happy that Halloween falls on a Wednesday this year!” said no teacher ever.
– Author Unknown –

I’m tryin’ to find a pumpkin with the right personality. It’s like trying to tell what someone’s face is like by looking at the back of their head.
– Lynn Johnston –

In the night, imagining some fear,
How easy is a bush supposed a bear!
– William Shakespeare –

I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly.
— Elizabeth, Friday the 13th –

On Halloween, what bothers some
About these witches, is how come
In sailing, through the air, like bats
They never seem, to lose their hats?…
Another thing: if brooms can fly,
Do witches keep them handy-by
To sweep the kitchen floor with, say?
Or do they have them locked away
For private passage through the sky?
– David McCord (1897–1997), “Witch’s Broom Notes” –

Shadows of a thousand years rise again unseen,
Voices whisper in the trees, “Tonight is Halloween!”
– Dexter Kozen –

The jack-o-lantern follows me with tapered, glowing eyes.
His yellow teeth grin evily. His cackle I despise.
But I shall have the final laugh when Halloween is through.
This pumpkin king I’ll split in half to make a pie for two.”
– Richelle E. Goodrich, Slaying Dragons –

There is a growing list of Halloween costumes that have been described as inappropriate because they are negative representations. Lynda Davis, at BoomerBroadcast wonders: “If I answer the door dressed as myself, an aging baby boomer in a comfortable T-shirt and yoga pants will I offend my entire generation?”

Our pumpkins, last year, safely secured for the trip home from the store.

The pumpkin looked delicious—almost perfectly round and deep yellow in colour, it sat on the passenger seat beside her so comfortably as she drove out of the car park, so pleased to be what it was, that she imagined conducting a conversation with it… And the pumpkin would remain silent, of course, but would somehow indicate that it knew what she was talking about, that there were similar issues in the world of pumpkins.

There was no harm, she thought, in allowing your imagination to run away with you, as a child’s will do, because the thoughts that came in that way could be a comfort, a relief in a world that could be both sad and serious. Why not imagine a talk with a pumpkin? Why not imagine going off for a drive with a friendly pumpkin, a companion who would not, after all, answer back; who would agree with everything you said, and would at the end of the day appear on your plate as a final gesture of friendship?
– Alexander McCall Smith, The Woman Who Walked in Sunshine –

There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.
– Linus Van Pelt in “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” by Charles Schulz –

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn… Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it left over.
– Lewis Black –

Today, of course, our paranoia about child safety has reached this fabulous zenith whereby kids are only allowed to trick-or-treat accompanied by an adult… But back in the blithe, porno-soaked, latch-key seventies, the idea of trick-or-treating with a parent in tow was unthinkable — like publicly disclosing a preference for Barry Manilow.
– Steve Almond, “Night of the Living Freak,” Candyfreak: A Journey through the Chocolate Underbelly of America, 2004 –

Witch parking. All others will be toad.

What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no-body to go with.

You kids have fun, and be home by Thanksgiving!” our parents would call to us on Halloween night, as we staggered out the front door, weighed down by hundreds of pounds of concealed vandalism supplies, including enough raw eggs to feed Somalia for decades. By morning, thanks to our efforts, the entire neighborhood would be covered with a layer of congealed shaving cream and toilet paper that, around certain unpopular neighbors’ homes, was hundreds of feet thick. This is how the Appalachian Mountains were formed.
– Dave Barry –

Scott Adams Quotations

The Quippery

Scott Adams is the creator of the Dilbert comic strip. He is also the author of several nonfiction works of satire, commentary and business. His writing is often satirical and/or sarcastic. Adams frequently speaks about media bias, citing instances (such as the ‘Fine People hoax’) where the media attributes a statement to a public figure but distorts the meaning by omitting a key statement made by that person.

His books include two bestsellers: How To Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big and Win Bigly: Persuasion in a World Where Facts Don’t Matter.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Everybody is somebody’s else’s weirdo.

If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ?

If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.

If you’re going to create, create a lot. Creativity is not like playing the slot machines, where failure to win means you go home broke. With creativity, if you don’t win, you’re usually no worse off than if you hadn’t played.

I’m predicting that we’ll finally have a computer that will search my e-mail automatically and delete every message that begins with ‘thought you’d be interested,’ and then give an electrical shock to the sender to remind him or her to stop sending that kind of message.

I think the pleasure of completed work is what makes blogging so popular. You have to believe most bloggers have few if any actual readers. The writers are in it for other reasons. Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn. All you get is the pleasure of a completed task.

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.

Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs.

On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary.

Remember, freedom is always taken, never given.

Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it’s never a good idea to put them in the same room.

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn how to convert stupidity into clean fuel.

Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that’s O.K. because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and better problems.

The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there’s a lot more living to go, but there isn’t much doubt that I’ll always be the ‘Dilbert guy.’

The best plan now is to have as many bosses as possible. I call it boss diversity. If you work for a company and you have one boss and that boss doesn’t like you or wants to get rid of you, you’re in trouble. But if you work for yourself, you have lots of bosses, who are your customers, and if a few of them decide they don’t like you, that’s okay.

The greenest home is the one you don’t build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that’s already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don’t want.

There’s a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it’s where most of life happens.

There’s kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don’t pet her for 10 minutes she’ll bother you for six hours.

There’s no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people’s. If you want someone to like your idea, tell him he said it first last week and you just remembered it.

There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.

The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn to think of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy.

Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.