Mildly Amusing Missives – Valentine’s Day (Video)

The Car Guy and I have big plans for Valentine’s Day… 2022. Valentine’s Day 2021, however, will be much like every other day during lockdown! Not that I’m complaining – I can’t think of anyone else in the whole world that I would rather spend my morning, afternoon, evening and nights with, day after day after day, than The Car Guy!

A bit more than half a century ago I was still searching for the right person – ah, those heartbreak years.  This video captures that pain… but only if you listen to it. Watch it, and you’ll get a good laugh.

After you’ve watched the video – do tell – did you give/or get a class ring? Gals, did you ‘size’ it with tape or string so it would fit, or did you wear in on a chain?

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
– Author Unknown –

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
– Author Unknown –

Love is in the air? Wrong. Nitrogen, Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide are in the air.
– Author Unknown –

If Donald Trump gave Valentine’s cards to his loved ones, the message might read: “I want you on my side of the wall.”
– Author Unknown –

Mildly Amusing Missives – Tims, Misc

Memory Foam

A man was lying in bed on his new memory foam mattress. He soon regretted buying it because it spoke to him all night long – “Remember when you wet your pants at the school picnic? Remember when you could sleep until noon? Remember when you didn’t have to count calories?”

Rarities


Sunday Morning Love Story
Sunday morning, except for those week-ends where Saturday morning is declared virtual Sunday because real Sunday morning is otherwise occupied… The Car Guy goes to Tim Hortons and buys us each a Breakfast Sandwich and beverages – Coffee (light roast with 2 milks) for him and a small Tim’s Iced Capp Light for me.

Friends don’t let friends drink Starbucks.
-Tim Hortons T-shirt –

If you can tell people you’re at Timmy’s and they don’t ask ‘Timmy Who?’, then you might be a Canadian.

Laundry Day

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “Texas A&M”.

Cat Tales or Tails

The cat sitting at the keyboard of the computer explains to the cat watching: “So far I’ve discovered I was in a litter of eight and my mother’s name was Fluffy!”
– Author Unknown – comment about Genealogy Research –

Tupperware? More like Tupper-where-is-the-freakin’-lid?
– Aunty Acid –

Oh, You Mean Real Red Flags…

Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.

Have you been to Meteor Crater in Arizona? It is the world’s best preserved meteorite impact site – the result of a collision that rocked the American Southwest approximately 50,000 years ago. It is about one mile across, 2.4 miles in circumference and more than 550 feet deep. The object that created the crater was a nickel-iron meteorite about 160 ft (50 meters) across.

Mildly Amusing Missives – If Tom Cruise Ran for President (Video)

If Tom Cruise Ran for President – Actor: MILES FISHER: https://linktr.ee/milesfisher

Other Things I Found this Month while Surfing the Internet:

Understanding Engineers:
– Percussive Maintenance: I hit it and it started working
– Cycle Power to the Panel: Turn it off and on again
– High Impedance Air-Gap: I forgot to plug it in
– Organic Grounding: I got electrocuted
– Thermally Reconfigured: It melted
– Kinetic Disassembly: It blew up
– Thermal Shock: It burned

 

 

 

 

 

Mildly Amusing Missives – Olive and Mabel #1, #2 (Videos)

Happy Easter All! 

Hope you had an excellent time (in whatever social distance way you chose) with family and friends… Also hope you had some close up encounters with chocolate bunnies.

More Thoughts About Chocolate

A while back I did a blog post full of Chocolate Quotations.

Here is another one I found since then:

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by two minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
– I Might be Funny, via Reddit –


Update on Toilet Paper!

The Car Guy brought home an early Easter present – a 12 roll pack of Charmin toilet paper! It is a huge improvement over scratchy single ply – now I know why the bear on the package looks so happy.

A creative use for toilet paper rolls

I’ve been saving the empty cardboard toilet paper tubes since the ‘Great TP Scarcity’ started. I thought some creative soul would come up with a great idea of what to do with the tubes – which someone did. A Wreath. Theirs (photo on left) looks more Eastery, don’t you think?

So I got busy and started my wreath. I’m going to do a two layer Christmasy one.

My Christmas Wreath

Indian Hills, Colorado

The Indian Hills Community Center has a very famous notice board that changes quite frequently. (Look it up on the internet.) The keeper/s of the sign posts notices like this:

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect…

Animals at the Keyboard

I once had a cat that looked almost exactly like this one.

Chevy Vs Mopar

The Car Guy is a mostly Mopar man. He sent me a cartoon of a man standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter consults his laptop to determine whether he will let the man in, then remarks “Says here you put a Chevy Engine in a Mopar.”

Backyard Birding


Here in Arizona, spring means flowers and turkey vultures. We often see them circling overhead. With a wingspan of 67-70 in (170-178 cm), they can be just a little bit unnerving when they decide to check you out. It is even more unsettling this year, given the Covid crisis and the fact we are in a senior’s community where the average age is well north of 75…

Very Funny Videos from Andrew Cotter
Game of Bones

The Dog’s Breakfast Grand Final

Other Stuff

Mildly Amusing Missives – Moose, Misc

Naming the Moose

(see previous post Another Moose) Thanks to everyone who suggested these names: Wink, Marty and Rudy. Bruce got a thumbs up from a number of people, so I think the moose will retain the nickname (Bruce) but will have an official name that will appear on any legal documents: Martywinkrudy the 1st.

What the Dog Thinks

gooooob morning. today has infinite wondrous possibilities. i’m going back to sleep. but you should find out what they are
– Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings Nov 26 –

the small neighbor human. came over after school. to try to get me to eat their homework. while i don’t condone such behavior. i absolutely complied
– Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings Sep 17 –

From Gingerbread man to Reindeer Head

Food Department

If you have a gingerbread man cutter, then you also have a reindeer head cutter…

Who knew that the staple of any good prison meal, stale bread and cheese, could be made into high-end gourmet dining by melding the cheese and cutting the bread into cubes. (Fondue)
– Bangor Maine Police Department –

In Canada we don’t say “I love you: we say “I’m going to Timmies do you want anything?”
– Author Unknown –

Man does not live by coffee alone. Have a danish.
– Author Unknown –

News from Around the World

America:

What’s most frustrating is the fact that driver’s license photos are so terrible. I think it has a lot to do with the process of aging. You know, the time between actually arriving at the License Bureau, and getting called for your license?
– Daniel C Chamberlain, Author @DanCChamberlain Oct 10 –

Over the next few weeks my IQ relative to the general public is going to increase as I have blocked #impeachment. No, I do not have a “civic duty” to sacrifice valuable neurons to the opinions surrounding this process.
– Medical Axioms @medicalaxioms Nov 14 –

Kelly Campagna @warriorwoman91 Jul 22: Why are men so dense?
Ben Shapiro @benshapiro Jul 23: Higher muscle mass, greater bone density due to hormonal differences during development…

Britain:

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
– Julian Popov @julianpopov Oct 19 –

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out or worse yet, get kilt.
– Author Unknown –

Canada:

My favourite line from the #elxn43 french language debate was Justin Truedau saying he’ll stand up to Alberta and the oil barons. Brother, you bought a $4.5bn pipeline. You ARE an oil baron.
– Dónal O’Beirne @DonoYEG Oct 11 –

An alarming court document, God v. Canada. Turns out to be an immigration appeal by a guy named Badri God. So, close one!
– Blacklock’s Reporter @mindingottawa Nov 25 –

If you spend your time on here (twitter) demonizing people who vote differently from you then I’m sorry but you’re the problem. Not them.
– Kristin Raworth @KristinRaworth Oct 3 –

 A Wise Celebrity

I’m going to my favorite Los Angeles area Hallmark store on this holiday just to see how they managed to rhyme “indigenous.”
– Pat Sajak @patsajak Oct 14 –

I don’t normally use Twitter to plug my commercial ventures, but I’m very excited about my soon-to-open clothing store chain, Forever 72.
– Pat Sajak @patsajak Oct 10 –

Other Stuff

At the bookstore:
Me: “Do yall have any books on turtles”
Cashier: “Hard back?”
Me: “Yeah, with little heads”
– wHyZgUy @_WhyzGuy_ Mar 28 –

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst Beer is normal. I didn’t even know you liked beer.
– Author Unknown –

There will only be 21 million Bitcoins.
What happens when 7.52 billion people realize that?
– Brilliant Ads @Brilliant_Ads Jun 21 –

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days. He replied that he was working on ‘Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment.” I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I leaned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.
– Facebook Oldtimers –

How to keep the drapes closed in a hotel room:

Last, but not Least

The Bigfoot file has been declassified.
We think we still have the suit somewhere in storage. Fun times.
– The Mossad: Elite Parody Division @TheMossadIL Jun 7 –

Mildly Amusing Missives – Happiness Is Marble Machine, Tucson Police Dept (Videos)

Not Too Serious Politics

Albrecht Dürer and Parti Rhinocéros
Logo used by the Rhinoceros Party of Canada in the 20th century. Taken from the 1515 ink drawing by the German painter Albrecht Dürer.

The Parti Rhinocéros or Rhinoceros Party, was a Canadian political party from 1963 to 1993.

Informally called ‘The Rhinos’, the party was started  by Jacques Ferron, a Canadian physician and author. The rhinoceros was chosen as their symbol  because politicians are: “thick-skinned, slow-moving, dim-witted, can move fast as hell when in danger…”

The organizers said they were Marxist-Lennonist, which was a tip of the hat to Groucho Marx and John Lennon. The party platform was described as being ‘two feet high and made of wood’.

Music from a Marble Machine

Isn’t this just about the most amazing machine you have ever seen?

More from Wintergaten.

A Clothes Dryer

I saw a cartoon that showed two women standing in the backyard, admiring a nicely pegged line of clothes on a clothesline. The one woman remarks, “It dries the washing using the very latest technology – a combination of solar and wind power.”

How many of you remember using that technology? There was little to nothing blissful about it. It was brutal in the winter, wicked on a windy day, useless when it was raining and shitty when some birds landed on the lines.

I love my dryer…

Watching a Snow Video in the Summer

This Video was especially funny the first time we saw it because we were in Arizona during the storm.

Things That Tell The Truth

Small Children
Drunk People
Yoga Pants

What would you add to this list of things that tell the truth?

Mildly Amusing Missives – Tweets

What You Should Know About Naps

Too Many Words

How Much of your Day is Spent in Landscape Mode?

Trump Derangement Syndrome

So You Want Something for Nothing

Will Great Britain Ever Leave the EU?

But after two years of watching one deadline give way to the next, does anyone really believe Britain will meet this one?
– Emma Ross-Thomas, Bloomberg –

Who You Were Will be More Important Than Who you Became
So You Think You are Overtaxed?

Canadian Taxes on Gasoline: Federal Tax, Provincial Tax, Sales Tax and Carbon Tax.

On the Food Front

Bathroom Thoughts

Ever notice that public restrooms sometimes mount the paper towel dispenser so high that the water drips up your arms when you reach for the towel? (Or maybe that is just something that happens to short people…) Some restrooms only have air blowers and they are so weak you finally just wipe your hands on your pants.

Do you agree that you should  “Avoid using the handicapped stall unless you are entitled to do so?” I think that is bad advice. The handicapped are perfectly capable of waiting a few minutes for their stall to become available and it is silly to leave a stall vacant when there is a long line of people waiting to use the facilities.

What did you find Mildly Amusing this week?

Mildly Amusing Missives – Straw Craft, Misc

The Lighter Side of Arts, Crafts and Leisure Activities

I’m a ‘jack of all trades’ in the crafts department. I’ve never stuck with anything long enough to get really good at it… except for collecting quotes.

On the Crafts front, I’ve been collecting red Tim’s Iced Capp straws (so I can keep them out of where ever discarded straws go in my prairie province.) I wasn’t sure what to make out of them until I saw this sculpture by the artist David Moreno who makes these out of steel rods. I think I could use my red straws for a project like this – I have just about enough straws for the house on the far left…

In some Future Time or State

I believe in the hereafter.
Every time I walk into a room, I ask, “What am I here after?”
Andrew’s View of the Week

Grapefruit and the Post Office

We have a grapefruit tree at the Arizona house. Sometimes the fruit is oddly shaped, but it is delicious. I am more than optimistic that there will be enough fruit to last me until we go home, in addition to the fruit we will take to the post office every few days. No, we don’t mail it. Our post office simply has a box on a bench near the door where people share their fruit harvest.

Our post office also has an ‘alpha box’. This is a series of ‘pigeon holes’, each with a letter of the alphabet on it. You can ‘mail’ letters to anyone in our community (without buying postage) by putting them in the appropriate alpha box.

A Great Horned Owl on the Fence

It is impossible to not be optimistic about life when a Great Horned Owl sits on your fence.

He respects Owl, because you can’t help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn’t spell it right.
– A. A. Milne –

How to Know When a Politician is Out of Touch

Catherine McKenna is Canada’s Minister of Environment and Climate Change. She was lamenting about the cold. She had apparently not noticed how cold Canada gets every winter.

What examples have you heard where politicians in your community appear to have lost touch with common sense?

One Thing Leads to Another – Telemarketers

We are kind of like this dog when it comes to our home phone. Even though we know that 99% of the time a ringing home phone is a telemarketer, we still go over to the phone to check the call display!

Apparently, the best way to get a telemarketer to stop calling you is to say: “Please put me on your do not call list.” Don’t give them any other information. Don’t engage with them. Don’t get upset.

One of my daughters used to respond to telemarketers by immediately putting her Small Child on the phone. Small Child was always full of questions and observations. Telemarketers with heavy foreign accents were easy prey for a boy without much of a filter between his young brain and his mouth.

Mildly Amusing Missives – Dance of the Line Riders (Video)

I created a Twitter account a few weeks ago.  I’ve been following and unfollowing people since then. There is a fine line between ‘this is interesting’ and ‘this is depressing’. Here are some of the more amusing and thought provoking things I’ve found.

What your Dog is Thinking

something. you may not realize you’re allowed to do. is take a snoozle. and then when you wake up. immediately start another one
– Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings Jul 4 –

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
– Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings –

I don’t own or use a virtual assistant – do you?

You would think that by now Alexa might be experienced enough in the ways of carbon-based lifeforms to be able to distinguish between a sneeze and the calling out of her name. “Bless you, Stephen” would be a better response than “Hm. I don’t know that one.”
– Stephen Fry, @stephenfry Jul 11 –

Would Car Guys agree?

As a teen, I dreamed of getting a Porsche 928. The 1982 model could go 0-60 in 8.0 seconds — so fast! But now my 2005 Hyundai Tucson can go 0-60 in 8.9 seconds. And it can carry kids, Christmas trees, and/or miter saws. #progress
– Geoffrey Miller @primalpoly Jul 10 –

DoodleChaos – An Animated Doodle to Music – Brilliant – I’ve watched it more than once!

Actor James Woods responds to Bette Midler’s Climate Change angst

Calling all #climatedeniers. IT WAS 117 YESTERDAY IN LOS ANGELES!!! IT’S GOING TO BE 103 TODAY. ITS 8AM. GIVE US A BREAK!!!
– Bette Midler @BetteMidler Jul 7 –
You live in the desert. It is July.
– James Woods @RealJamesWoods Jul 9 –

Fear pays – that is why it is so rampant

I hope people don’t figure out that you can monetize fear. If spreading fear becomes profitable then greedy people might start distorting reality in a way that causes people to panic.
Rev. Duncan Trussell M.D. @duncantrussell Jul 7 –

Satire about HuaWei – the second largest smartphone manufacturer in the world after Samsung

CEO of HuaWei refuses to stop using expression ‘It’s my way or the HuaWei’
– The Beaverton @TheBeaverton Jul 7 –

Office Lingo

Have been compiling a major report all day and I’m not sure if it’s just that I’m a bit tired but I can’t help but think that “PDF’ing a file” sounds like something you just shouldn’t say in an office environment. #officelingo #notreallyswearing
– Blair King @BlairKing_ca Jul 6 –

Aquaculture makes a significant contribution to Canada’s economy, but is another industry under attack from environmentalists.

Trying to farm fish in Canada is like trying to operate a chicken farm under the rules of the Migratory Birds Act. – @brianleecrowley
– Stewart Muir @sjmuir Jun 22 –

Now and then you have to prune back Twitter, Facebook and Feed readers

Unfollow three toxic people in your Twitter feed (or unlike on FB and unsubscribe on YT) and see how quickly your day gets brighter. You don’t have to invite the madness to live rent free in your head.
– Dave Rubin @RubinReport Jul 3 –

Mildly Amusing Missives – Ants, Misc

A Little Bit About Ants

I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
– Steven Wright –

Ever so Virtuous

Virtue signalling: when you express an opinion in public to show your moral superiority and gain approval – without actually taking a significant action.

(Isaac) Newton wouldn’t last long as a ‘public intellectual’ in modern American culture. Sooner or later, he would say ‘offensive’ things that get reported to Harvard and that get picked up by mainstream media as moral-outrage clickbait. His eccentric, ornery awkwardness would lead to swift expulsion from academia, social media, and publishing. Result? On the upside, he’d drive some traffic through Huffpost, Buzzfeed, and Jezebel, and people would have a fresh controversy to virtue-signal about on Facebook. On the downside, we wouldn’t have Newton’s Laws of Motion.
― Geoffrey Miller –

Gender Neutrality in Canada

Gender neutrality is a hot issue is Canada right now. One line of our National Anthem has been changed from “in all thy sons command” to “in all of us command.” (To be honest, I haven’t been able to sing our entire National Anthem since the unofficial English/French version became the ‘right’ way to sing it.)

Prime Minister Trudeau, at a recent Town Hall meeting, corrected a young woman who spoke about the “the future of mankind.” Trudeau interrupted her and said, “ we like to say people-kind, not necessarily mankind.” (Days later, he claimed he was just joking.)

Gender Neutral wording gets kind of tricky. Is the word ‘person’ gender neutral? (It contains the word ‘son’.) Are the words ‘woman’ and ‘human’ gender neutral? (They both contain the word ‘man’.) Last, but not least – the Province of ‘Manitoba’. Will we have to change that name to Peopletoba’?

Canada’s Government and Male Bashing

CBC Comedy (part of a federally funded Canadian Crown Corporation) isn’t all that funny sometimes. A recent post started off: “Air Canada announced this morning that as of 2017, passengers will be required to pay an extra fee to transport any emotional baggage they happen to be carrying with them onto their flight.”

While that is a funny line, the post goes on to condemn men in general: “When it comes to homophobia, misogyny, and deep-seated racism, we’ll be charging $500 per issue … the airline made the decision to introduce the fee last week after nine different businessmen on nine different flights loudly refused to turn off their electronic devices during takeoff and then proceeded to get blind drunk on tiny bottles of vodka and yell racial slurs at the person in the seat beside them.”

Internet Speed 

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
– Author Unknown –

Do you remember when you connected to the Internet by dial-up? It could take minutes, if not hours, to load web pages onto a computer! The majority of internet users today would be frustrated by the lack of speed, yet for many people in the world, a phone line, and the relatively low cost of dial-up, is either their preferred, or necessitated method of connecting.

Factors that affect the speed: 
Your computer (and any other equipment that connects it to the internet); interference or conflicts from other equipment (depending on your set-up.)
Your Service Provider – In addition to Dial-up, you can connect to the internet by Broadband (cable, DSL), Satellite or Wireless Tower. Each provider will have varying levels of service with faster Internet service billed at a premium. Independent of what you level of service you are paying for, the number of people trying to access the service provider can slow things down. (Our service is also dependent on weather, tower outages and a misaligned receiver dish!)
Internet Traffic – Access to any site will depend on the amount of traffic that is trying to access it.

Would you rather the world be warmer or cooler?

We have one of the big glacier rocks (an erratic) near us, so this Climate Change joke seems pretty funny…

A New Yorker visits Vermont and asks, “Where did all these rocks come from?” And the farmer says, “They were brought here by a glacier.”
“Well, what happened to the glacier?”
And the farmer replies, “It went back for more rocks.”
– Blacklock’s Reporter –

Personally, I prefer a warmer Canada – we are one of the coldest countries in the world. We are the 2nd largest country by land mass with .49% of the world population spread out across our entire width. We consume about .6% of the world food production, but we produce and export 1.5%. We emit only 1.69% of Global Greenhouse Gas Emissions.

A Joke about Government Being Out of Touch

A cowboy named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in southern Alberta, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Billy looked at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parked his car, whiped out his Dell® notebook computer, connected it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfed to a NASA page on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another NASA satellite that scaned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receiveed an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image had been processed and the data stored. He then accesseed an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receiveed a response. Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turned to the cowboy and said, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Billy. He watcheed the young man select one of the animals and looked on with amusement as he stuffed it into the trunk of his car. Then Billy called to him, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thought  about it for a second and then said, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a MLA for Alberta’s NDP government!”, said Billy.

“Wow! That’s correct,” said the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
– OLL –

A Few Poems

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
After four I’m under my host.
– Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker –

The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella;
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust’s stolen his umbrella
– Charles Bowen