Chemistry Quotations

A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under a sustained enemy attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ.
“NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!” he says.
“NaCl over NaOH?” shouts his officer. “What do you mean?”
“The base is under a salt!” The chemist replied.
– Author Unknown –

A chemist says that the first alcohol was distilled in Arabia, which may explain those nights.
– Author Unknown –

A chemistry teacher was berating the students for not learning the Periodic Table of the Elements. She said, “Why when I was your age I knew both their names and weights.”
One kid popped up, “Yeah, but teach, there were so few of them back then.”
— Chemistry Jokes and the Periodic Table –

A mosquito cried out in pain:
“A chemist has poisoned my brain!”
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane.
— Chemistry Jokes and the Periodic Table –

… and holy hell the chocolate is so intense and pure it should be named an element and given a spot on the periodic table. It would be Ch, which isn’t even taken.
– Laini Taylor –

Chemists do not usually stutter. It would be very awkward if they did, seeing that they have at times to get out such words as methylethylamylophenylium.
– Sir William Crookes –

The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. One of them was this – a reference to Al Gore and Climate Change.
Gorium Gr
Lightweight element. Antagonistic to internal combustion engines;
essential for growing tobacco until a few years ago;
effective cure for insomnia; can be used as a means to raise money.
– Author Unknown –

If you are not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
– Author Unknown –

Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.
– Author Unknown –

Most people who have encountered mercury have done so after breaking a mercury thermometer. And many of us who saw the liquid balls of mercury scatter across a floor or countertop considered the element the most beautiful on the periodic table.
– Sam Kean –

My name is Bond – Covalent Bond.
— Chemistry Jokes and the Periodic Table –

The Elements Song

There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.
There’s yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.
There’s holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium,
And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.
There’s sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium,
And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium,
And chlorine, cobalt, carbon, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.
These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,
And there may be many others, but they haven’t been discarvard.
– ‘The Elements’ (1959), by Tom Lehrer –

Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.

Q: What do you call a wheel made of iron?
A: A ferrous wheel.
– Author Unknown –

Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.
– Author Unknown –

Q: What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.
– Author Unknown –

Speaking Quotations

The Quippery

A closed mind is an enigma indeed. Nothing ever goes in – but odd things are forever coming out.
– Laurence Dunphy –

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears, of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before the Rotary Club, or the words ‘some assembly required.’
– Dave Barry –

An echo is pretty accurate, but it doesn’t contribute much that is new.
– E.C. McKenzie –

As in the days of his prime, McLuhan was eager to share a bit of intellectual gold he had just discovered in his endless prospecting.
– Philip Marchand –

Be sincere, be brief, be seated.
– Franklin Roosevelt –

Beware the tongue. It’s normally wet and likely to slip.
– Author Unknown –

Boren’s First Law: When in doubt, mumble.
– Author Unknown –

Commencement speakers have a good deal in common with grandfather clocks: Standing usually some six feet tall, typically ponderous in construction, more traditional than functional, their distinction is largely their noisy communication of essentially commonplace information.
– Denzel Feinberg –

Don’t be afraid to talk to yourself. It’s the only way you can be sure somebody’s listening.
– F.P. Jones –

Every speaker has a mouth,
an arrangement rather neat.
Sometimes it’s filled with wisdom,
sometimes it’s filled with feet.
– Robert Orben –

Finster’s Law: a closed mouth gathers no feet.
– Author Unknown –

For good or ill, your conversation is your advertisement. Every time you open your mouth you let men look into your mind.
– Bruce Barton, Readers Digest, January 1974 –

I didn’t know at first that there were two languages in Canada. I just thought that there was one way to speak to my father and another to speak to my mother.
– St. Laurent, Louis –

I don’t call it gossip, I call it “emotional speculation”.
– Laurie Colwin –

I’d rather be told “Have a nice day,” by someone who doesn’t mean it, than “Sod off,” by someone who does. (Answer to the question of how he felt about American insincerity.)
– Author Unknown –

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
– Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman, attributed –

I love my body, but I’d like to have a sieve over my mouth. Sometimes I read what I say – apparently sarcasm doesn’t translate in print.
– Sandra Bullock –

I’m not sure if I should be here speaking. When I was younger, they said I was too introverted to even lead in silent prayer.
– Tom Livingston-

I never know how much of what I say is true.
– Bette Midler –

I never had a humble opinion. If you’ve got an opinion, why be humble about it?
– Joan Baez –

It does seem so pleasant to talk with an old acquaintance who knows what you know. Conversation has got to have some root in the past, or else you have got to explain every remark you make, and it wears a person out.
– Sarah Orne Jewett –

It’s all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.
– Dr. Rob Gilbert-

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
– Mark Twain –

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don’t know.
– Mark Twain –

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why certain people appear bright until you hear them speak.
– Albert Einstein –

My job is to talk; your job is to listen. If you finish first, please let me know.
– Harry Herschfield –

Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
– Author Unknown –

Of course everything has been said that needs to be said – but since no one was listening it has to be said again.
– Author Unknown –

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
– Will Durant –

Revolving doors pushed quarters of conversation out into the street.
– Colum, McCann Let the Great World Spin –

Tact is the talent of shutting up before someone else wants you to.
– Unknown Chinese Fortune Cookie –

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
– Author Unknown –

The brightest things you ever say are those you think about next day.
– Arnold Glasow –

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
– George Jessel –

The thoughts of two people are more valuable than money. When two people exchange dollar bills, each still has only one dollar. When they exchange ideas, each then has two ideas.
– Author Unknown, Bits & Pieces, April 25, 1996 –

The tongue is the deadliest of all blunt instruments.
– Shannon Rice –

The words you speak today should be soft and tender, for tomorrow you may have to eat them.
– Author Unknown –

We communicate with our bodies, especially the hands. How many people, when asked to describe a corkscrew, can do it without twirling their finger?
– Author Unknown –

When I was born I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.
– Gracie Allen –

When your mind goes blank, don’t forget to turn off the sound!
– Author Unknown –

We’ve had our cliches framed
and hung up on the wall
so now for conversation
we don’t have to talk at all.
– Roger McGough “Mute Consent”, Worse Verse, 1969 –

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself – like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.
– Jean Kerr –

Chaos in the Garden

This is one of my flower beds. It has been over 20 years in the making. In that time, a small tree grew – casting more and more deep shade. The plants that liked sun weren’t so happy about this. Some died – I thought. So I planted others, only to have the dead sometimes reappear (yes, tulips, I’m talking about you and your splashes of red in a bed that once was yellow, blue and purple!)

This year I gave up on order and accepted plant Chaos. Even chaos will take time, though. There are bare spots where some things, like my bleeding hearts, all died this past winter. As George W. Bush said:

Topaz Studio filter “Ghost Town”

What George Bush actually said was “…And, you know, it’ll take time to restore chaos and order – order out of chaos. But we will.” Some media outlets shortened the quote to “It will take time to restore chaos” which triggered the usual crowd to make fun of him – but I think the shortened quote perfectly describes my new gardening mantra.

Topaz Studio filter “HDR”

Chaos was the law of nature; Order was the dream of man.
– Henry Adams –

Topaz Studio filter “Rock”

Chaos is roving through the system and able to undo, at any point, the best laid plans.
– Terence McKenna –

Topaz Studio filter “3D Sketch”

Chaos is not the lack of order, it is merely the absence of order, that the observer is used to.
– Mamur Mustapha –

Topaz Studio filter “Abstract”

All of these photos were altered with Topaz Studio filters.

What say you – which photo is most chaotic?

Math and Number Quotations

Algorithms

The Quippery

Apply shampoo to wet hair. Massage to lather, then rinse. Repeat.
– An infinite loop hair-washing algorithm –

I have a simple algorithm, which is, wherever you see paid researchers instead of grad students, that’s not where you want to be doing research.
– Larry Page –

I know how models are built, because I build them myself, so I know that I’m embedding my values into every single algorithm I create and I am projecting my agenda onto those algorithms.
– Cathy O’Neil –

Nothing will ever replace the experience of wandering haphazardly through a great bookstore, no matter how many algorithms are developed to find matches for our tastes. That’s because not only is there no accounting for taste, there is no predicting it either.
– Dominique Browning –

Someone from the Internet Writing Workshop sent me a link to the Gender Genie, where you paste in a section of text and it uses an algorithm to detect whether the author is male or female. Or, if you’re an author, you can tell whether you’re really nailing your opposite-sex characters. I mean, nailing their dialog.
– Max Barry –

The crucial problem isn’t creating new jobs. The crucial problem is creating new jobs that humans perform better than algorithms.
– Yuval Noah Harari, Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow –

The Facebook algorithm designers chose to let us see what our friends are talking about. They chose to show us, in some sense, more of the same. And that is the design decision that they could have decided differently. They could have said, “We’re going to show you stuff that you’ve probably never seen before.” I think they probably optimized their algorithm to make the most amount of money, and that probably meant showing people stuff that they already sort of agreed with, or were more likely to agree with.
– Cathy O’Neil –

The next question is how? How does news find us? What you need is a certain critical literacy about the fact that you are almost always subject to an algorithm. The most powerful thing in your world now is an algorithm about which you know nothing about.
– Kelly McBride –

There is no algorithm for creativity.
– Andy Hargreaves –

There is no Algorithm for Humor.
– Robert Mankoff –

We don’t let a car company just throw out a car and start driving it around without checking that the wheels are fastened on. We know that would result in death; but for some reason we have no hesitation at throwing out some algorithms untested and unmonitored even when they’re making very important life-and-death decisions.
– Cathy O’Neil –

General Math

4 out of 3 people struggle with math.
– Sign on a T-shirt –

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.
– Charles Darwin –

As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school.
– Cokie Roberts –

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
– Author Unknown –

A talking sheepdog got all the sheep in the pen, then told the farmer “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” said the farmer.
“I know,” said the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
– Reader’s Digest –

Calvin: Help me with this homework, OK? What’s 6+3?
Hobbes: 6+3, eh? First we call the answer “Y” as in “Y do we care?” Now Y may be a square number, so we’ll draw a square and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then we’ll measure the diagonal.
Calvin: I don’t remember the teacher explaining it like this.
Hobbes: She probably doesn’t know higher math. When you deal with high numbers, you need higher math.
Calvin: But this diagonal is just a little under two.
Hobbes: OK, here, I’ll draw a bigger square.
– Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes –

Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.
– Sign on a chalk board –

Don’t discuss infinity with a mathematician. You’ll never hear the end of it.
– Author Unknown –

Equations are the devil’s sentences.
– Stephen Colbert –

Fibonacci. It’s as easy as 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, …
– Numerous Authors –

Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per sec.
– J. Hart –

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?
A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…
– Reader’s Digest –

How I see math word problems:
Question: If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?
Answer: Purple, because aliens don’t wear hats.
– Author Unknown –

I heard that parallel lines actually do meet, but they are very discrete.
– Author Unknown –

I know that two and two make four – and should be glad to prove it too if I could – though I must say if by any sort of process I could convert 2 and 2 into five it would give me much greater pleasure.
– George Gordon, Lord Byron –

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to 10. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
– M. Grundler –

Life without geometry is pointless.
– Author Unknown –

Mathematics is like childhood diseases. The younger you get it, the better.
– Arnold Sommerfeld –

Mathematics teachers call retirement ‘the aftermath’.
– Author Unknown –

Math – the only place where people can buy 64 watermelons and no one wonders why.
– sunnyskyz.com –

Not everything that counts can be counted. Not everything that can be counted counts.
– Albert Einstein –

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
– Reader’s Digest –

Skinner’s Constant – that quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
– Author Unknown –

Some mathematicians are reluctant to cosine a loan.
– Author Unknown –

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
– Fran Lebowitz –

The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.
– Jimmy Fallon –

The trouble with integers is that we have examined only the very small ones. Maybe all the exciting stuff happens at really big numbers, ones we can’t even begin to think about in any very definite way. Our brains have evolved to get us out of the rain, find where the berries are, and keep us from getting killed. Our brains did not evolve to help us grasp really large numbers or to look at things in a hundred thousand dimensions.
– Ronald L. Graham –

Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 32 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It’s dark, isn’t it!?
– Author Unknown –

Today’s scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments, and they wander off through equation after equation, and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.
– Nikola Tesla –

Trigonometry is a sine of the times.
– Author Unknown –

Understanding binary is as easy as 1, 10, 11.
– Author Unknown –

We will prove this by the method of prolonged staring.
– Joel Franklin –

Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use
– Author Unknown –

What part of s = sqrt{frac{1}{N-1} sum_{i=1}^N (x_i – overline{x})^2} don’t you understand?
– Author Unknown –

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply!”
All the animals departed, except for two snakes in the back. Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”
The snakes flicked their tongues and answered, “We can’t multiply, Noah, we’re Adders.”
– Reader’s Digest –

Half

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you’re pouring, or drinking.
– Bill Cosby –

Some folks go through life pleased that the glass is half full. Others spend a lifetime lamenting that it’s half-empty. The truth is: There is a glass with a certain volume of liquid in it. From there, it’s up to you!
– Dr. James S. Vuocolo –

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
– George Carlin –

The algebraic simultaneous equation theorist says that if the glass is equally half full and half empty, then half full = half empty; therefore ½ x F = ½ x E; therefore (by multiplying both sides of the equation by 2) we show that F = E; i.e. Full equals Empty!
– businessballs.com –

The optimist says: “The glass is half-full.” The pessimist says: “The glass is half-empty”. And while they are arguing, the pragmatist takes the glass and drinks it.
– businessballs.com –

The professional trainer does not care if the glass is half full or half empty, he just knows that starting the discussion will give him ten minutes to figure out why his powerpoint presentation is not working.
– businessballs.com –

The scientist says a guess based on a visual cue is inaccurate, so mark the glass at the bottom of the meniscus of the content, pour the content into a bigger glass; fill the empty glass with fresh content up to the mark; add the original content back in; if the combined content overflows the lip, the glass was more than half full; if it doesn’t reach the top, the glass was more than half empty; if it neither overflows nor fails to reach the top then it was either half-full or half-empty. Now what was the question again?
– businessballs.com –

Three

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
– Author Unknown –

I suffer from entertaining anxiety… a fear that I can’t juggle the timing of three things alchemically transforming themselves in dangerously hot places.
– Dominique Browning –

People can be divided into three groups – those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
– John W. Newbern –

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
– Will Rogers –

The development of a new product is a three step process – first, an American firm announces an invention; second, the Russians claim they made the same discovery twently years ago; third, the Japanese start exporting it.
– Unknown –

There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.
– Charles Schultz –

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
– Mark Twain –

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who are good at math and those who aren’t.
– Author Unknown –

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
– Unknown –

Trio, triple, thirds say three.
As do triad, ternion and trilogy,
Triptych, trine and trichotomy,
Triangle, treble and trinity.
– Margy –

Truth, Knowledge and Learning Quotations

11-understand The Quippery

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
– Mark Twain –

As we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns—the ones we don’t know we don’t know.
– Donald Rumsfeld, while serving as George W. Bush’s Secretary of Defense –

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please.
– Mark Twain –

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
– Author Unknown –

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
– Mark Twain –

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
– Robert McCloskey –

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a ‘learning experience.’ Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a ‘learning experience.’ It makes me feel less stupid.
– P.J. O’Rourke –

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
– James Thurber –

Ideas don’t stay in some minds very long because they don’t like solitary confinement.
– Unknown

If there’s something going on out there that I don’t know about, I think I’d know about it.
– William Shatner, TekWar –

Just when you think you’ve got all the answers, they change the questions.
– Author Unknown –

Logic is a large drawer, containing some useful instruments, and many more that are superfluous. A wise man will look into it for two purposes, to avail himself of those instruments that are really useful, and to admire the ingenuity with which those that are not so, are assorted and arranged.
– Charles Caleb Colton, Lacon –

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
– Winston S. Churchill –

No one now dies of fatal truths: there are too many antidotes to them.
– Nietzsche’s Human, all too Human –

…nobody really likes capers no matter what you do with them. Some people pretend to like capers, but the truth is that any dish that tastes good with capers in it, tastes even better with capers not in it.
– Nora Ephron –

Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.
– Doug Larson –

On an important decision one rarely has 100% of the information needed for a good decision no matter how much one spends or how long one waits. And, if one waits too long, he has a different problem and has to start all over.”
– Robert K. Greenleaf, Servant As Leader –

Some so speak in exaggerations and superlatives that we need to make a large discount from their statements before we can come at their real meaning.
– Tryon Edwards –

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
– Farmers Almanac, 1997, Volume 180 –

The little girl had the making of a poet in her, who, being told to be sure of her meaning before she spoke, said, “How can I know what I think till I see what I say?”
– Graham Wallas –

The researches of many commentators have already thrown much darkness on this subject, and it is probable that, if they continue, we shall soon know nothing at all about it.
– Mark Twain –

The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?

There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic.
– ANAÏS NIN, diary, Fall 1943 –

Those who think they know it all are very annoying to those of us who do.
– Robert K. Mueller –

Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth, but by washing away from it all that is not gold.
-Leo Tolstoy –

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
– Author Unknown –

Details Quotations

The QuipperyI cannot walk through the suburbs in the solitude of the night without thinking that the night pleases us because it suppresses idle details, just as our memory does.
– Jorge Luis Borges –

My boyfriend, like a lot of men, takes great pride in his car. Honey, his car is detailed, waxed, and vacuumed weekly. On the other hand, my car looks like a really big purse.
– Diane Nichols –

Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.
– Jean-Paul Sartre –

Our life is frittered away by detail…. Simplify, simplify.
– Henry David Thoreau –

Someone asked someone who was about my age: “How are you?” The answer was, “Fine. If you don’t ask for details.”
– Katharine Hepburn –

The English light is so very subtle, so very soft and misty, that the architecture responded with great delicacy of detail.
– Stephen Gardiner –

The essence of success is that it is never necessary to think of a new idea oneself. It is far better to wait until somebody else does it, and then to copy him in every detail, except his mistakes.
– Aubrey Menen –

The knives of jealousy are honed on details.
– Ruth Rendell –

“Well, we were always going to fail that one,” said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up and realize he had been describing the examiner’s reflection.
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix –

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our config.sys settings.
– Dave Barry –

Why can we remember the tiniest detail that has happened to us, and not remember how many times we have told it to the same person.
– Francois de La Rochefoucauld-

Books, Writing and Reading Quotations

7-book The Quippery

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking about what to write.
– Author Unknown-

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
– P.J. O’Rourke –

A new word is like a fresh seed sown on the ground of the discussion.
– Ludwig Wittgenstein –

And then Satan said, “Put the alphabet in math.”
-getfunny.net –

‘Bookworms’ are now almost exclusively known in the secondary and derivative meaning of the word as porers over dry books; but there was a time when the real worms were as ubiquitous as our cockroaches. They would start at the first or last page and tunnel circular holes through the volume, and were cursed by librarians…. They were dignified, like other disagreeable things, with fine Latin names….
The most audacious beast of our days is the cutter-out of plates…. Towards him we feel a ferocity that is merciless. We should like to extract a tooth without anæsthetics for every plate he has purloined.
– “The Sufferings and Death of Books,” Chambers’s Journal of Popular Literature, Science, and Art, 1890 August 30th –

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.
– Fran Lebowitz –

Every writer faces a moment in her career when she realizes that a good part of success has nothing to do with skill or planning, and everything to do with pure, dumb luck. For me, that moment arrived at a party at the Romance Writers of America conference in St. Louis in 1993, when a colleague came to me and asked, “Did you know the heroine on the cover of your newest release has three arms?”
– Christina Dodd – On the Other Hand –

For myself, I favored the abstract. I collected not just obsolete terms and words, but ideas.
― Jasper Fforde, Shades of Grey –

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, “In Case of Fire, Throw This in First.” I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
– Erma Bombeck (At Wit’s End) –

Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes.
– John LeCarre –

Here’s a brain twister. Can you use the word ‘capitulated’ in a sentence where it doesn’t mean ‘Your hat’s on backwards’?
– Joe Martin –

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, “To be clear, do you know how reading works”?
– @bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar) –

I’m a bookaholic on the road to recovery. Ha, not really. I’m on the road to the bookstore.
– Author unknown –

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
– Steven Wright –

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
– Demetri Martin –

I love walking into a bookstore. It’s like all my friends are sitting on shelves, waving their pages at me.
– Tahereh Mafi –

…I struggled through the alphabet as if it had been a bramble-bush; getting considerably worried and scratched by every letter. After that, I fell among those thieves, the nine figures, who seemed every evening to do something new to disguise themselves and baffle recognition.
– Charles Dickens –

It is clear that the books owned the shop rather than the other way about. Everywhere they had run wild and taken possession of their habitat, breeding and multiplying, and clearly lacking any strong hand to keep them down.
– Agatha Christie, The Clocks –

It is a damned poor mind that can’t think of at least two ways of spelling any word.
– Andrew Jackson –

I try to leave out the parts that people skip.
– Elmore Leonard –

I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.
– Anna Quindlen, “Enough Bookshelves,” New York Times, 7 August 1991 –

Many people, other than the authors, contribute to the making of a book, from the first person who had the bright idea of alphabetic writing through the inventor of movable type to the lumberjacks who felled the trees that were pulped for its printing. It is not customary to acknowledge the trees themselves, though their commitment is total.
– Forsyth and Rada, Machine Learning –

May God forgive me, but the letters of the alphabet frighten me terribly. They are sly, shameless demons – and dangerous! You open the inkwell, release them; they run off – and how will you ever get control of them again!
– Nikos Kazantzakis –

Old or new, the only sign I always try to rid my books of (usually with little success) is the price-sticker that malignant booksellers attach to the backs. These evil white scabs rip off with difficulty, leaving leprous wounds and traces of slime to which adhere the dust and fluff of ages, making me wish for a special gummy hell to which the inventor of these stickers would be condemned.
– Alberto Manguel, The Library at Night –

One of the advantages of reading books is that you get to play with someone else’s imaginary friends, at all hours of the night.
– Dr. SunWolf –

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
– Attributed to Groucho Marx –

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
– Ronald Reagan –

The covers of this book are too far apart.
– Ambrose Bierce –

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
– Mark Twain –

The length of this document defends it well against the risk of its being read.
– Winston Churchill –

There are books in which the footnotes, or the comments scrawled by some reader’s hand in the margin, are more interesting than the text.
– George Santayana, “Imagination” –

There’s nothing to match curling up with a good book when there’s a repair job to be done around the house.
– Joe Ryan –

There is a temperate zone in the mind, between luxurious indolence and exacting work; and it is to this region, just between laziness and labor, that summer reading belongs.
– Henry Ward Beecher –

Think about these words: cease, coin, chic, indict, and discrepancy. In this string of terms, C sounds like S, K, Sh, and in one case it’s silent. Even within one word this letter doesn’t always maintain the same sound.
The fickle nature of this letter did not please everyone. As American English grew in the 1700s, Benjamin Franklin campaigned to remove C from the alphabet altogether, though his efforts did not gain much traction.
– From The Curious Chronicle of the Letter C –

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
– Stephen Wright –

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?
– Fred Stoller –

Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.
– Mark Twain –

Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn’t wait to get to work in the morning: I wanted to know what I was going to say.
– Sharon O’Brien –

Punctuation

And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.
– Terry Pratchett –

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.
– F. Scott Fitzgerald –

In the family of punctuation where the full stop is daddy and the comma is mummy, and the semicolon quietly practises the piano with crossed hands, the exclamation mark is the big attention-deficit brother who gets over-excited and breaks things and laughs too loudly.
– Lynn Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, pages 137-138 –

…it sometimes seems hurtful to suppress the exclamation mark when – after all – it doesn’t mean any harm to anyone, and is so desperately keen.
– Lynn Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, p 139 –

The punctuation marks you use (and where you put them) can completely change the meaning of what you write. “Twenty-odd ducks” is an estimate of how many are waddling by, but “twenty odd ducks” would not only be a big group, they’d be very strange looking.
– From Twenty-Odd Ducks, by Lynne Truss –

Advice and Mistakes Quotations

The Quippery

Accept good advice gracefully – as long as it doesn’t interfere with what you intend to do in the first place.
– Gene Brown –

Accept the fact that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue!
– Author Unknown –

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.
– E. W. Howe –

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
– Red Skelton –

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
– Author Unknown –

Creativity is often blocked by trying to be perfect. Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
– Tony Robbins –

Experience is a marvelous thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake whenever you make it again.
– Franklin P. Jones –

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
– Francois de La Rochefoucauld –

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
– Oscar Wilde –

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
– John Kenneth Galbraith –

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
– Author Unknown –

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.
– Author Unknown –

In each of our stories, we try to teach a little lesson or paint a little moral – things like mother taught: “Walk softly and carry a big stick,” “Strike first, ask questions after” – that sort of thing.
– Alfred Hitchcock –

In the game of life it’s a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.
– Bill Vaughan –

It’s better to plan ahead rather than look back at lessons learned from events you didn’t see coming!
– Tony Harris –

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
– Author Unknown –

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.
– Cullen Hightower –

Learn from the mistakes of others – you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
– Author Unknown –

Never believe in mirrors or newspapers.
– Tom Stoppard –

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
– Author Unknown –

Nobody’s running around here with a mistake ruler trying to measure it.
– Night Court –

People who don’t take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year. People who do take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year.
– Peter Drucker –

Smart people learn from their mistakes. But the real sharp ones learn from the mistakes of others.
– Brandon Mull –

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
– Author Unknown –

The test is to recognize the mistake, admit it and correct it. To have tried to do something and failed is vastly better than to have tried to do nothing and succeeded.
– Dale E. Turner –

The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes first and then the lesson.
– Author Unknown –

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
– Phyllis Diller –

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.
– Warren Buffett –

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
– Author Unknown –

When nothing goes right… go left.
– Author Unknown –

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
– Author Unknown –

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
– Erma Bombeck –

Your best teacher is your last mistake.
– Ralph Nader –

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
– Dave Barry –

Grammar and Punctuation at the Bar Quotations

The QuipperyThere are many ‘a man walks into a bar’ jokes, including:

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

A dyslexic walks into a bra…

There are many variations that include animals, including:

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink called Freddy?”

There are also a few grammar and punctuation bar jokes:

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

A group of homophones wok inn two a bar.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

An ellipsis walks into a bar and says…

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

A period walks into a bar and comes to a full stop.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A question mark walks into a bar?

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out! We don’t serve your type.”

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

Two Quotation Marks walk “into a bar”.

– Various Authors, including The Bluebird of Bitterness, Eric K. Auld –

Life and What it Is Quotations

The Quippery

It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another – it’s the same damn thing over and over.
– Edna St. Vincent Millay –

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle but you don’t have the picture on the front of the box to know what it’s supposed to look like. Sometimes, you’re not even sure if you have all of the pieces.
–  A Whack on the Side of the Head –

Life is easier if you dread only one day at a time.
– Charles M. Schulz –

Life is hard. Then you die. In between you are a volunteer.
– Author Unknown (This was my ‘mantra’ during all those years of being on Volunteer Boards!) –

Life is lumpy. And a lump in the oatmeal, a lump in the throat and a lump in a breast are not the same lump. One should learn the difference.
– Robert Fulghum (I collected quotes like this when our youngest child had cancer.) –

Life is rather like a tin of sardines – we’re all of us looking for the key.
– Alan Bennett –

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
– John W. Gardner –

Life is so very simple when you have no facts to confuse you.
– Peg Bracken –

Life is tragic, but not necessarily serious.
– Author Unknown –

Life is full of choices – Remove your shoes or mop the floor.
– Author Unknown –

Life is short… ask directions.
– Author Unknown –

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
– Author Unknown –

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
– John Lennon –

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
– Author Unknown –

Life isn’t a vicarious experience. You get it figured out and then one day life happens to you. You prepare yourself for grief and loss, arrange your ballast and then the wave swamps the boat.
– Garrison Keillor –

Life itself is like an onion: it has a bewildering number of layers; you peel them off, one by one, and sometimes you cry.
– Carl Sandburg –

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
– Mark Twain –

Mid-life means that you become more reflective…You start pondering the “big” questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much ‘Healthy Choice’ ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
– Author Unknown –

Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them.
– The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon –

Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these.
– Susan B. Anthony –

The answer to the great question of… Life, the Universe and Everything…is… Forty-two.
– Douglas Adams –

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
– Bill Watterson –

We believe in the individual’s capacity to grow, develop and change throughout life; that life is the process of becoming, not simply being.
– CP/RA –

Winners expect to win in advance. Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
– Author Unknown –