Tom Swifties Quotations #3

A ‘Tom Swifty’ is a play on words. It usually starts with a quotation, followed by an adverb that describes how Tom was speaking. (For more Tom Swifties, and a brief history of this type of parody, see Tom Swifties Quotations #1 and Tom Swifties Quotations #2.

“All right — we’ll use a water solution”, Tom acquiesced.

“And to think I swallowed that lie, hook, line and sinker!” Tom gulped.

“Eating uranium can cause strange effects,” said Tom brightly.

“Honey, put on that see-through thing,” said Tom negligently.

“How do you start a model-T Ford without a battery?” asked Tom crankily.

“I always eat at McDonald’s,” said Tom archly.

“I am NOT full of hot air,” Tom belched.

“I collect fairy tales,” said Tom grimly.

“I didn’t look at all!” Tom peeped.

“I haven’t had any tooth decay YET,” said Tom precariously.

“I hope you’re not afraid of needles,” Tom injected.

“I just got a job putting up steel girders!” Tom beamed.

“I know what a bunch of lions is called,” said Tom with pride.

“I like ragged margins,” said Tom without justification.

“I’ll try to dig up a couple of friends,” said Tom gravely.

“I’m going to sue my real estate agent for not warning me the prairies were so flat,” said Tom plaintively.

“I’m on welfare,” said Tom dolefully.

“I think I’ll put new stuffing in that old settee,” said Tom fill-a-sofa-cally.

“It’s not a candy mint, it’s a breath mint,” Tom asserted.

“I’ve run out of laundry detergent,” said Tom cheerlessly.

“I will NOT finish in fifth place,” Tom held forth.

“Looks like rain,” said Tom precipitously.

“Nice mirror!” said Tom reflectively.

“Now where did I put that magazine?” Tom asked periodically.

“Of course I can make armour out of chains,” Tom replied by mail.

“She even flies her own jet,” Tom leered.

“The door’s ajar,” said Tom openly.

“The train’s late,” Tom railed.

“This bud’s for you,” said Tom lightly.

“Why shouldn’t I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

“Y’all, I’m leavin’,” said Dolly, partin’.

“Zoos are a necessary evil, I think,” said Tom cagily.

Last but not least, this contribution from Al at Cvillean: “Shocked at having been diagnosed with laryngitis, Tom was left speechless.”

Tom Swifties Quotations #2

A ‘Tom Swifty’ is a play on words. It usually starts with a quotation, followed by an adverb that describes how Tom was speaking. (For more Tom Swifties, and a brief history of this type of parody, see Tom Swifties Quotations #1.

“Blow on the fire so it doesn’t go out,” Tom bellowed.

“Company should be here in about an hour,” Tom guessed.

“Dawn came too soon,” Tom mourned.

“I couldn’t believe we lost the election by two votes,” Tom recounted.

“I’m losing my hair,” Tom bawled.

“I suppose there’s room for one more,” Tom admitted.

“It’s made the grass wet,” said Tom after due consideration.

“I used to own that gold mine,” Tom exclaimed.

“I’ve had my left and right ventricles removed,” Tom said half-heartedly.

“I’ve never had a car accident,” said Tom recklessly.

“Measure twice before you cut,” Tom remarked.

“My hair’s been cut off,” Tom said distressfully.

“Please put some folds in these trousers,” Tom pleaded.

“Thanks for shredding the cheese,” Tom said gratefully.

“That’s no purebred,” Tom muttered.

“Where did you get this meat?” Tom asked hoarsely.

“We’ve taken over the government,” Tom cooed.

“You dropped a stitch,” Tom needled.

“You look like a goat,” Tom kidded.

This and That – ‘Groaners’ and a Bear (Video)

First up,  ‘Groaner’ Jokes – some as punny as they are funny

A couple of lads grew up together in a large city Greek neighborhood. They were good friends whose names were Euripides and Eumenides. They parted ways when they grew up. Euripides become a rich and famous celebrity while Eumenides took over his aging father’s tailor shop.

Many years went by and one day a limousine pulled up in front of the tailor shop. A man got out with a pair of torn trousers and entered. The tailor looked up from his work and saw who it was and shouted, “Euripides? Euripides?” To which the man replied, “Yeah, yeah, yeah… Eumenides?”

– Sidebar: This joke has apparently been around for awhile, though isn’t as old as Euripides (480 – 406BC) (sounds like “You-rip-a-these”) who was a great Athenian playwright. Eumenides, “You-mend-a-these”, is the third part of a tragedy by Aeschylus. I ‘borrowed’ this joke from The Haps with Herb and edited it slightly. –

What does an insomniac ­agnostic dyslexic spend most of his time doing? Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn’t know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N’-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, “May I have just an order of fries?”
The brother said, “Hold on a moment. I’m the fish friar. You want the chip monk.”

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic”. Some come to light due to the success of the movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo

Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; ‘He who has a Tates is lost!’

I will undoubtedly be borrowing more content from this page for future posts: Groaners.

Some of the other puns I have collected are at the bottom of this post. Click the link for Pun.

There is More Than One Way to Get What you Want

An elderly lady handed her bank card to the bank teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM”. When the lady asked why, the teller told her it was bank policy.
The lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when he checked the account balance and replied: “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?”
The lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount over $100 and up to $3000. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller did as he was asked.
The elder put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account…
This is called ‘adapting to adversity’.
– Author Unknown –

What was the Bear Thinking?

Cricket is a game that gives ‘not very spiritual people’ some idea of what eternity is.
– Author Unknown –

Fastest Guys Around

Limericks

There was a young lady of Niger

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I am wrong,
You expect this last line to be lewd!

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue,
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

A forgetful old gasman named Dieter,
Who went poking around his gas heater,
Touched a leak with his light;
He blew out of sight—
And, as everyone who knows anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.

A magazine writer named Bing
Could make copy from most anything;
But the copy he wrote
of a ten-dollar note
Was so good he now lives in Sing Sing.

A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A.s and Lit.D’s,
Collapsed from the strain,
Said her doctor, “It’s plain
You are killing yourself — by degrees!”

A mosquito cried out in pain:
“A chemist has poisoned my brain!”
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.

A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knittin’
He said, with a sigh,
“That park bench–well I
Just painted it, right where you’re sittin.'”

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His beak can hold more than his belican.
He can hold in his beak,
Enough food for a week,
But I’m damned if I see how the helican.
– Dixon Lanier Merritt –

Is Algebra fruitless endeavor?
It seems they’ve been trying for ever
To find x, y, and z
And it’s quite clear to me:
If they’ve not found them yet then they’ll never.
– Graham Lester –

I’ve done it — I’ve done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I’ve not used since the year I was born.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

There once was a lady named Ferris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass.
‘Til the bath salts one day,
in the tub where she lay,
turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
– Dayton Voorhees –

There was a young lady named Bright,
Whose speed was far faster than light;
She started one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
– A. H. Reginald Buller in Punch (Dec. 19, 1923) –

There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The complete oboe part
Of Mozart’s quartet in F major.

There was a young lady of Niger
who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
They returned from the ride
with the lady inside,
and the smile on the face of the tiger.
– Edward Lear and William Cosmo Monkhouse –

Last, but certainly not least, this Limerick was written by my favourite Virginia Beach blogger, Al Hood at The Cvillean

Margy authors a blog called amusive
And with funny folks she’s collusive
She makes everyone’s day
With jokes that will slay
Cause for laughing they’re really conducive!

Stop Motion Clay Animation (Video)

The Quippery

Gumby is an American clay animation about a green clay human like character created and modeled by Art Clokey.

A History Lesson on Stop Motion Animation

A Funny but slightly Gruesome Clay Animation – Great Song Though!

The song is Cinderella Rockefella. It was written by Mason Williams and Nancy Ames and was originally recorded and released by Israeli folk duo Esther and Abi Ofarim on their 1967 album ‘2 in 3’.

‘Rona Virus – Pundemic Groaners and Other Funny Thoughts

2020 has answered the question “Hank why do ya drink?”

Anyone else’s car getting three weeks to the gallon now?

At this point I would feel safer if the Coronavirus held a press conference to tell us how it’s going to save us from the government.

Due to my isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday. Believe me—that’s a lot of colouring

Finland as just closed their borders.
No one will be crossing the finish line.

Gwenyth Paltrow said in an interview we should take this time to learn a new language or write a book. I just shook chip crumbs out of my bra and I don’t know what day it is. I’m fairly certain I’m not going to attempt either of those things.

I just Clorox wiped a bottle of Purell and Purelled my hands cuz I touched the Clorox canister. How far down a rabbit hole does this go?

I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

I’m not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

It was a quiet Monday morning in September 2053, when John awoke with a need to go to the bathroom. To John this wasn’t just any ordinary day! This was the day he would open the last package of toilet paper his parents bought in the year 2020.

I see a big baby boom coming our way in 9 months. They will be called the C-19 babies and the #1 baby names will be “Charmin” and “Scott”.

Masks are the NEW bra! They’re uncomfortable, you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine. It’s called “Why are you doing it that way?” There are no winners.

Now is not the right time to surround yourself with positive people.

Ran out of toilet paper… having to use lettuce leaves. Today was the tip of the iceberg. Trying to romaine calm.

Snow White is down to 6 dwarfs. Sneezy has been placed in quarantine.

The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them.
All that’s left is de brie.

There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months and then, one day in 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19.
Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

To go to the grocery store, they said a mask and gloves were enough… they lied. Everybody else had clothes on.

What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany?
The Wurst Kase scenario.

Why do they call it the novel coronavirus?
It’s a long story…

Tom Swifties Quotations #1

A ‘Tom Swifty’ is a play on words. It usually starts with a quotation, followed by an adverb that describes how Tom was speaking.

The term was coined by Willard Espy (1911–99). It is a parody on the style of writing in a series of adventure books published by Edward Stratemeyer and written by an imaginary author, Victor Appleton. Tom Swift was the main character in the books.

“Don’t you love sleeping outdoors,” Tom said intently.

“Get to the back of the ship!” Tom said sternly.

“How do I get to the cemetery?” Tom asked gravely.

“I can’t find the oranges,” said Tom fruitlessly.

“I decided to come back to the group,” Tom rejoined.

“I’d like my money back, and some,” said Tom with interest.

“I don’t like hot dogs,” Tom said frankly.

“I forgot what I was supposed to buy,” Tom said listlessly.

“I have no flowers,” Tom said lackadaisically.

“I just dropped the toothpaste,” said Tom crestfallenly.

“I’ll have a bowl of Chinese soup,” Tom said wantonly.

“I’ll have another martini,” said Tom dryly.

“I’ll have the lamb,” Tom said sheepishly.

“I lost my trousers,” said Tom expansively.

“I love hot dogs,” said Tom with relish.

“I need a pencil sharpener,” Tom said bluntly.

“I’m no good at playing darts,” Tom said aimlessly.

“I only have diamonds, clubs, and spades,’ Tom said heartlessly.

“I’ve removed all the feathers from this chicken,” said Tom pluckily.

“I won the daily double,” Tom said hoarsely.

“Let’s gather up the rope,” said Tom coyly.

“Look at those newborn puppies,” said Tom literally.

“My girlfriend broke up with me,” Tom said ruthlessly.

“Parsley, sage, rosemary,” said Tom timelessly.

“Pass me another chip” said Tom crisply.

“That’s a lot of hay,” Tom said balefully.

“That’s the last time I’ll pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly.

“That’s the third time my teacher changed my grade,” Tom remarked.

“The thermostat is set too high,” said Tom heatedly.

“We just struck oil!” Tom gushed.

“You’re only average,” Tom said meanly.

Can you make up your own Tom Swifty? Were there any here that you didn’t get?

So Bad they are Good Puns and Jokes

With permission,  I’ve ‘borrowed’ most of the following bits of humor from ‘Bad Joke Monday’ at the blog ‘Feeding on Folly’. Talented blogger, Christi, illustrates these too – so please pop over to her place so that you can enjoy them in all their visual glory!

A bear walked into a bar and said, “Give me a whiskey and …………. cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asked the bartender.
The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

A guy goes into a bar and says “I’ll have a Corona and two hurricanes.”
The bartender says,  “That will be $20.20.”

A fisherman accidentally got some vinegar in his ear, and now suffers from pickled hearing.

A grasshopper hops into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says “hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper replies, incredulous, “You have a drink named Steve?”

A highway patrol motorcycle officer sees a woman speed past while knitting in the driver’s seat.
He hits the red lights and sets off in pursuit. She doesn’t stop, just keeps speeding along.
Finally he pulls along side and yells, “PULLOVER!!!”
She yelled back, “NO, CARDIGAN”

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say,
‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say,
‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!’
The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”

As we headed down the road, a large bug hit the windshield.
I said, “I’ll bet he doesn’t have the guts to do that again.”
Hubby responded, “Do you know what was the last thing to go through his mind? His butt!”

A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looked at him and said,
“I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeer?
No, they already have names.

Did you hear about the frog who parked in a red zone?
Yeah, his car was toad.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Every day at sunrise, rain, shine, fog, snow, Joe goes into his back yard,
faces east and says this little prayer:
“Dear God, please let me win the lottery today.”
He does this for twenty years.
Then one foggy morning the clouds part and a bright beam of light falls on Joe.
From the sky a booming voices says,
“Joe, meet me half way on this, buy a ticket.”

For every year someone spends in Phoenix, they get one off in hell.

How does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spent her time?
Staying awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilos overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely included in things either. (Christopher Hudspeth)

I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

The king of an African country issued a royal decree: No one may kill any wild animals.
The decree was honored, but soon there were too many lions and tigers in the kingdom. The people revolted and the king was removed from power.
It was the first known instance of a reign being called on account of game.

The man who invented auto-correct has died.
Restaurant in piece.

There once were some eggs from Boston
Who were sold to a store in Austin
But their shells were all cracked
When the train left the track
And their yolks leaked out, and they lost ‘em.
But they didn’t go out with a bang
So that wasn’t the end of our gang:
They found a good cook
With a recipe book
And lived life again as meringue!

What did the alien cat say to the Earth cat?
Take me to your litter.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

What do you call a part-time bandleader?
A semi-conductor.

What do you call an annoying pumpkin that does stupid stuff?
A jack-ass-o-lantern.

What do you call a soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What is the best stereo equipment to get for a dog?
A subwoofer with surround hound.

What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk.

Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.

Why was the Snowman opening the bags of carrots at the grocery store?
He was picking his nose.

With all the sporting events cancelled they are going to
broadcast the International Origami Championship.
It will be on PaperView!

Tricky Questions to Test Your Reasoning Skills

449-mental-mettleTest your mental mettle! Here are some ‘trick’ questions to see if you are thinking ‘outside the box’!

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A clerk at a butcher shop stands five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat

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A doctor give you 3 pills and tells you to take one every half hour. How long will it be until all the pills are taken?
Answer: An hour, assuming you take the first pill at the beginning of the hour, the second pill half way through the hour, and the third pill at the end of the hour.

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A farmer has 10 cows. Lightning kills all but 2 of the cows. How many are still alive?
Answer: Two cows are still alive.

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A 10 foot rope ladder hangs over the side of a boat with the bottom rung on the surface of the water. The rungs are one foot apart, and the tide goes up at the rate of 6 inches per hour. How long will it be until three rungs are covered?
Answer: Never. The boat rises as the tide goes up.

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A little girl kicks a soccer ball. It goes 10 feet and comes back to her. How is this possible?
Answer: The girl kicked the ball straight up. Gravity brought it back to her.

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A man was driving his car on a wild, stormy night. He passed a bus stop, and saw three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old woman who looked as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved his life.
3. The perfect woman he had been dreaming about for all his life.
Which one did he offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in his car?

Answer: He gave his car keys to his old friend, and let him take the elderly lady to the hospital. He stayed behind and waited for the bus with the woman of his dreams.

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A man dressed in all black is walking down the middle of a country lane. Suddenly, a large black car without any lights on comes around a corner and screeches to a halt. How did the driver of the car know to stop?
Answer: It was day time.

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A man has a fox, a chicken, and a sack of grain. He must cross a river, but cannot carry all of them at once. If he leaves the fox with the chicken, the fox will eat the chicken. However, if he leaves the chicken with the grain, the chicken will eat the grain. How can he get all three across safely?
Answer: He takes the chicken over first. Then he goes back and brings the grain, but takes the chicken on the trip back. He leaves the chicken, and takes the fox, which he leaves with the grain. Then he goes back and retrieves the chicken.

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A person fell out of a thirty story building, but lived. With luck and their landing pad not being factors, how could they have survived the fall?
Answer: The person fell out of the first-story window.

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A rooster laid an egg on top of the barn roof. Which way did it roll?
Answer: Roosters don’t lay eggs, so there was no egg to roll in any direction.

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An electric train is moving north at 100mph and a wind is blowing to the west at 10mph. Which way does the smoke blow?
Answer: There is no smoke with an electric train.

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As I was going to St Ives,
I met a man with seven wives,
Each wife had seven sacks;
Each sack had seven cats;
Each cat had seven kittens.
Kits, cats, sacks, and wives,
How many were going to St Ives?
Answer: Just one – I was going to St. Ives. The man with the seven wives was going the other way.

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Before the Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest. It was still the highest mountain even if it hadn’t been discovered.

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Billie was born on December 28th, yet her birthday always falls in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billie lives in the southern hemisphere.

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Bob’s father has 4 children. Lance, Laura, and Larry are three of them. Who’s the fourth?
Answer: The fourth child is Bob.

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Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
Answer: Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

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Every day, a cyclist crosses the border between Spain and France carrying a bag. No matter how much custom officials investigate him, they do not know what he is smuggling. Do you?
Answer: Bicycles.

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How many animals of each species did Adam take with him on the ark?
Answer: None, Noah took the animals on the ark, not Adam.

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How much soil is in a rectangular hole measuring 2 meters by 3 meters?
Answer: None. A hole doesn’t have any dirt in it or it wouldn’t be called a hole.

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How many legs does an elephant have if you count his trunk as a leg?
Answer: Four. Because calling the trunk a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

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How many sides does a circle have?
Answer: Two. An inside and an outside.

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How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?
Answer: You can subtract it as many times as you want, and it leaves 76 every time.

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How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Answer: Once. Next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

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I do not speak unless spoken to, many have heard me but none have seen me. What am I?
Answer: An echo.

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If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

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If Mrs. John’s bungalow is decorated completely in pink, with the walls, carpet, and furniture all shades of pink, what color are the stairs?
Answer: There are no stairs, because bungalows do not have a second floor.

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If you had a match and entered a cold and dark room with an oil lamp, a candle, and an oil heater, what do you light first?
Answer: The match. You have to light the match before you can light anything else.

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If a plane crashes on the border between the US and Mexico, where do they bury the survivors?
Answer: Nowhere. Survivors are people who are still alive.

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If you spell “sit for a while in the bathtub” S-O-A-K, and you spell “a funny story” J-O-K-E, how do you spell “the white of an egg”?
Answer: E-G-G-W-H-I-T-E.

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If you put a coin into an empty bottle and then put a cork into the top, how could you remove the coin without taking out the cork or breaking the bottle?
Answer: Push the cork into the bottle and shake the coin out.

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I have a book where the end is in the first half of the book, the forward comes after the epilogue and the index comes before the introduction. What book do I have?
Answer: A Dictionary

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Is it legal for a man to marry his widow’s sister?
Answer: The man would have to be dead for his wife to be a widow, so he won’t be marrying anybody.

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Sam can make 11 beaded necklaces in an hour. Sue can make 12 beaded necklaces in an hour. In one week Sam made necklaces for 6 hours and Sue made them for 3 hours. Who makes more bracelets in the week?
Answer: Nobody was making bracelets.

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Sam can guess the score of a basketball game before the game begins. How can that be?
Answer: The score of the game will be 0 to 0 before the game begins.

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Some months have 30 days, some have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
Answer: All twelve of them have at least 28 days.

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Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. (Calves, however, do drink milk…)

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That attorney is my brother, testified the accountant. But the attorney testified he didn’t have a brother. Who is lying?
Answer: Neither, the accountant was his sister.

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There are ten birds perched on a fence. A farmer aims his rifle and shoots one. How many birds are left?
Answer: Only one – the dead bird that the farmer shot. The rest of the birds flew away.

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There are two coins which total 30 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are the two coins?
Answer: Since only one of them is not a nickel, the other one can be a nickel, so the two coins are a nickel and a quarter.

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There was an airplane crash, every single person on board died, but yet two people survived. How is this possible?
Answer: The two were married, not single.

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What animal can jump higher than a building?
Answer: All animals, buildings don’t jump.

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What breaks and never falls and what falls and never breaks?
Answer: Day breaks and night falls.

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What do you call a person who doesn’t have all of his/her fingers on one hand?
Answer: Normal – most people have all their fingers on two hands, not one.

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What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: Bread.

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What gets bigger the more you take out?
Answer: A hole!

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What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
Answer: A towel

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What goes up and down, but still remains in the same place?
Answer: Stairs!

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What has a head and a tail but no body?
Answer: A coin

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What is always coming, but never arrives?
Answer: Tomorrow.

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What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place?
Answer: The letter ‘e’.

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What is sticky and brown?
Answer: A stick.

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What is unusual about these words? revive, banana, grammar, voodoo, assess, potato, dresser, uneven
Answer: If you remove the first letter of each word, and put it at the end of the word, the same word will be spelled backwards.

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What occurs once in June, twice in August, but never in October?
Answer: The letter ‘u’.

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What two words, when combined, hold the most letters?
Answer: Post Office

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What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: The word that is spelled ‘i-n-c-o-r-r-e-c-t-l-y’ is ‘incorrectly’.

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Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from Calgary to Edmonton, Alberta.
In Calgary, 17 people get on the bus.
In Airdrie, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Innisfail, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Red Deer, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Wetaskiwin, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Leduc, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive in Edmonton ..
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: The bus driver is you, so how old are you?!?

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You are driving a bus. When you begin your route, there is an old woman named Mrs. Smith and a young boy named Raymond are on the bus. At the first stop, the old woman leaves, and a salesman, named Ed, enters. At the next stop, Jack and his sister Jill get on, as well as three women with shopping bags. The bus travels fifteen minutes, then stops and Raymond gets off and a man and his wife get on. Next, a woman with a bird in a cage gets on the bus. What is the name of the bus driver?
Answer: You are the one driving the bus – so what is your name?

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