This and That – Some ‘Groaners’ and a Bear (Video)

First up,  ‘Groaner’ Jokes – some as punny as they are funny

A couple of lads grew up together in a large city Greek neighborhood. They were good friends whose names were Euripides and Eumenides. They parted ways when they grew up. Euripides become a rich and famous celebrity while Eumenides took over his aging father’s tailor shop.

Many years went by and one day a limousine pulled up in front of the tailor shop. A man got out with a pair of torn trousers and entered. The tailor looked up from his work and saw who it was and shouted, “Euripides? Euripides?” To which the man replied, “Yeah, yeah, yeah… Eumenides?”

– Sidebar: This joke has apparently been around for awhile, though isn’t as old as Euripides (480 – 406BC) (sounds like “You-rip-a-these”) who was a great Athenian playwright. Eumenides, “You-mend-a-these”, is the third part of a tragedy by Aeschylus. I ‘borrowed’ this joke from The Haps with Herb and edited it slightly. –

What does an insomniac ­agnostic dyslexic spend most of his time doing? Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn’t know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N’-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, “May I have just an order of fries?”
The brother said, “Hold on a moment. I’m the fish friar. You want the chip monk.”

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic”. Some come to light due to the success of the movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo

Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; ‘He who has a Tates is lost!’

I will undoubtedly be borrowing more content from this page for future posts: Groaners.

Some of the other puns I have collected are at the bottom of this post. Click the link for Pun.

There is More Than One Way to Get What you Want

An elderly lady handed her bank card to the bank teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM”. When the lady asked why, the teller told her it was bank policy.
The lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when he checked the account balance and replied: “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?”
The lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount over $100 and up to $3000. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller did as he was asked.
The elder put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account…
This is called ‘adapting to adversity’.
– Author Unknown –

What was the Bear Thinking?

Cricket is a game that gives ‘not very spiritual people’ some idea of what eternity is.
– Author Unknown –

Fastest Guys Around

Stop Motion Clay Animation (Video)

The Quippery

Gumby is an American clay animation about a green clay human like character created and modeled by Art Clokey.

A History Lesson on Stop Motion Animation

A Funny but slightly Gruesome Clay Animation – Great Song Though!

The song is Cinderella Rockefella. It was written by Mason Williams and Nancy Ames and was originally recorded and released by Israeli folk duo Esther and Abi Ofarim on their 1967 album ‘2 in 3’.

This and That – Winter and Labs (Videos)

Had Enough of Winter Yet?

Dear Mother Nature,
Having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel the remainder of my subscription. Thank you.
– Author Unknown –

As I’ve previously mentioned, we’re still in Alberta ‘enjoying’ our first full cold and snow winter in about 8 years. Though we would prefer to be in warm sunny Arizona, many factors convinced us to stay home rather than fly south, then home weeks later. This included Canada’s recent new rule that anyone who is allowed to fly into Canada will have to present proof of a negative Covid test taken in the previous 72 hours; then they will be required to stay in a ‘detention’ hotel for up to three days, at their own expense, until such time as another Covid test says they are still negative. Then they will be allowed to go home for the remainder of a 2 week quarantine where security officers may pop by to make sure they are where they are supposed to be. Last, but not least, another Covid test must be done on day 10 of home incarceration.

Our Prime Minister is showing how super tough he is when it comes to Covid! I guess that is to make up for the fact that his government failed to procure very much vaccine and Canada is now 45th in the world in terms of doses per 100 people administered. (The UK is 4th, USA is 5th.)

On the lighter side of winter life, here is #DudeDad and #CharlieBerens to tell you How to train for winter!

How Other Countries are Coping During the Pandemic

Back to the theme of fitness:

My favourite labs, Olive and Mabel are urged to join the gym that Andrew Cotter has built in his garage.

Quotes of the Day

The first thing you should know about me is that I’m not you. A lot more will make sense after that.
-Author Unknown –

The three hardest things to say are:
1. I was wrong
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire Sauce
– Author Unknown –

This and That – Valentine’s Day (Video)

The Car Guy and I have big plans for Valentine’s Day… 2022. Valentine’s Day 2021, however, will be much like every other day during lockdown! Not that I’m complaining – I can’t think of anyone else in the whole world that I would rather spend my morning, afternoon, evening and nights with, day after day after day, than The Car Guy!

A bit more than half a century ago I was still searching for the right person – ah, those heartbreak years.  This video captures that pain… but only if you listen to it. Watch it, and you’ll get a good laugh.

After you’ve watched the video – do tell – did you give/or get a class ring? Gals, did you ‘size’ it with tape or string so it would fit, or did you wear in on a chain?

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
– Author Unknown –

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
– Author Unknown –

Love is in the air? Wrong. Nitrogen, Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide are in the air.
– Author Unknown –

If Donald Trump gave Valentine’s cards to his loved ones, the message might read: “I want you on my side of the wall.”
– Author Unknown –

This and That – Doors, Ghosts Cats in Boxes (Video)

Does the cat in the middle box, top row, remind you of anyone you know?

Do you have a cat that is always looking for trouble?

For more quotes/jokes with a twist at the end, see my post called Ambused by the Best Paraprosdokians

Do you have a duvet on your bed, or do you use blankets? We have duvets here at the Red House. We use two single duvets on our bed, instead of one big one. No more waking up cold because a shared duvet has migrated to the other person’s side of the bed!

A ‘better’ duvet cover is the kind that has a set of stringy things sewn onto the inside of each corner. The easiest way to insert the duvet in this type of cover, then, is to turn the duvet cover inside out and lay it on the bed. Lay the duvet on top of the cover. Tie the duvet corner strings to the duvet. Then turn the cover right side out.

I don’t have duvet covers with those strings. I have a sewing machine, I have strings, yet it is a sewing task I’ve never got around to doing. Instead, I use the ‘almost crawl inside the cover to try to match the corners’. How does the laundry/bed maker domestic engineer in your house do this task?

I just started a new band called ‘Blankets and Duvets’
We’ve already been called the best cover band of all time.
Author Unknown

This and That – Bugs, Bees, Bats, Beatles

All bugs are insects, but not all insects are bugs. The Praying Mantis is an insect, but I don’t think it is a bug… but I needed a ‘B’ word for the title of this post…

Bees: “Flight of the Bumblebee” is an piece of music written by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov for his opera The Tale of Tsar Saltan. It was composed in 1899–1900. It evokes the seemingly chaotic and rapidly changing flying pattern of a bumblebee.

Bats: Since no one actually speaks ‘Bat’… In the people world, locating some one by calling out ‘Marco’ and getting the response ‘Polo’ if the person is in hearing distance – I learned this from my grandchildren.

Beatles: At over seven minutes in length, their song “Hey Jude” was the longest single to top the British charts up to that time.

This and That – Truth, Andy Amazon, Epoxy Resin

This – There is More than One Truth

Imagine that Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are far out in the English countryside in pursuit of a unique case involving an agricultural mystery.
They have settled down in their sleeping bags in a small tent for the night.
Just before dawn, Sherlock nudges Dr. Watson awake, and says,
“Watson – look up and tell me what you notice.”
Dr. Watson tells him that he sees the stars – that the clear sky means the weather will be good in the coming day – that the very faint light in the east says it is almost dawn. “What do you notice, Holmes?”
Holmes sits up. “I notice that someone has stolen our tent during the night.”
– Robert Fulghum, Now What? –

That – Shopping in the Time of Covid

If I find this mat on Amazon, I’m going to buy it…

The Car Guy calls him (though sometimes it is a her) Andy Amazon. Andy visits our house a few times a week. He/She has delivered everything from printer ink to kitchen sink taps… epoxy resin to tools… all the things that our local stores either don’t ever carry or  can’t get because of Covid caused supply chain issues.

The absolute nicest Andy was of Asian descent. He left a parcel at our front door, rang the doorbell, then headed back to his vehicle. I got to the door before he got to the end of the patio.

I opened the door and said, loud enough for him to hear, “Thank you!” He turned and… bowed.

Whenever it snows, I trudge out to the main road and shovel down to bare dirt so that Andy knows exactly where our driveway is. If Andy is just a few feet off the mark he/she could end up in the ditch. That would really mess up Andy’s day and maybe we would get a black mark next to our name and all the Amazon Andys would tell the dispatcher that they definitely don’t want to deliver the parcel to the house in the country with the really deep ditch that sucks your car in right up to the door handle.

Without Amazon, The Car Guy and I might go crazy… no, make that crazier…

Serious Lock Down Advice:
Everyone please be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home!
I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my tea, and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on everything.
Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, ’cause he’s been acting cold and distant!
In the end, the iron straightened me out. She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out.
The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up.
But the fan was very optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon.
The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion,
but the front door said I was becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip.
You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to ‘pull myself together!”
We will survive!
– Author Unknown –

The Other – When do you have Enough Drink Coasters?

Clear Epoxy Resin drink coasters with computer parts embedded in them

The Car Guy, Daughter the Nurse and gHosT the dog (who has posted on this blog a few times: gHosT the grand dog) get together once a week for a day of woodworking. For the past few months they have dabbled in woodworking AND epoxy resin.  One of The Car Guy’s first projects was embedding computer parts into the epoxy – in the shape of drink coasters. He has also embedded rocks, photographs, wood slabs and many other things. When we had answered the question “How many drink coasters does one house need?” the subsequent coasters left home and took up residence in the homes of various family members.

You might remember from a previous post that The Car Guy went through an epoxy resin glitter phase during the holiday season: Epoxy Resin Snow Flakes.

Daughter is cutting out intricate shapes with a scroll saw and filling in the holes with resin!

I am thankful that The Car Guy has embarked on a new hobby that challenges the creative side of his brain. I’m not saying woodworking isn’t creative, but the epoxy resin also challenges him to think more like an artist. An added bonus to this new hobby is that it is absolutely excellent daddy-daughter time and goes a very long way to keeping us ‘older folks’ from feeling very alone in this locked down Province.

gHosT wants to add this:

it was cold at the Red House. today. so cold no one. took me for a walk. but they put me in the fenced yard. i ran and ran and ran and borked. i smelled something. it was big. i think. it had a big smell. grandma said it was. moose. ive never met a moose. if i did. i would bork and bork. even more. the moose wouldnt know if it was a. friendly bork. or not. all my borks sound the same. even to me.

Scroll saw dinosaur with epoxy resin – by Daughter the Nurse

How are all you folks passing the time these days? Are you in some sort of lock down too? Are you feeling fearful or optimistic? Do you have things to do that make you happy? Do you have someone to share your life with?

This and That – 2021, Trees and a Virus

This


I put all the Christmas decorations away last week – everything but the Christmas tree. The tree takes up quite a bit of space in the living room – so I scooted it out to an adjoining area. Now it is out of the way, but still clearly visible when I sit in my favourite chair!

I think it will stay there for quite a while. The lights make me happier and I need all the happy I can get to dispel the gloom of Alberta winter nights and mandated Covid social limitations.

We’ve turned the corner on sunlight, of course. The shortest day was December 21, and we are gaining almost a minute a day of daylight right now. We’ve also had a few weeks of mild weather. That is to say, temperatures have been such that I’ve traded heavy winter mitts for light ones when I go for a walk.

We’ve spotted the moose, a few times, though not in our yard. They have been favouring the lands west of us. We’ve been seeing more non-local vehicles drive up and down our road lately. I suspect they are hoping they will see the moose too.

That

As you can see, we’re still in Alberta. We haven’t made the annual snowbird trek to Arizona yet. Travel outside of Canada is not advised and we aren’t allowed to enter the USA by car.  In one of those strangely odd ‘rule loopholes’, we are allowed to fly there, though. That makes Arizona happy because they need the tourist dollars.

The Car Guy is ready to pack his bags and board a plane. I’m not so enthusiastic. For whatever reason, I’m just not keen to get into a metal tube full of people wearing masks to fly to a State where a different group of politicians is making rules that also ignore the concept of good ‘risk management.’

The Other

2021 – A new year, a new crop of memes and jokes – and names to remember. Covid-19 is now more commonly called SARS-CoV-2. You might remember that it became politically incorrect to refer to it as Wuhan flu or China virus, but you might be forgiven if you call the new variants UK variant and South Africa variant. Remembering their real names,  20B/501Y.V1, VOC 202012/01 and 20C/501Y.V2 is just a bit much.

There doesn’t seem to be a run on toilet paper so far.
We got a message from our nephew a while back. He wanted to thank the person who responded to his desperate search for yeast – and he thought it was funny that the yeast came wrapped like a nickel bag of dope.

 

This was funny when I saw it a few months ago. I’m not aware of anyone in our family who would bring weed to a family gathering (thought it is legal) – but family gatherings were illegal this Christmas.

This and That – Robot, Monks, Oops (Video)

This

You might be able to relate to this fun video if you have ever had to prove you are not an internet Robot or if you have had to verify your account so that you can change your password.

That

It starts off so plausible and serious…

Did you know that in Las Vegas, NV, there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not all that surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday Mass will put casino chips in the collection baskets.

Since the diocese receives chips from dozens of casinos, it has become problematic and time consuming for individual parishes to separate, count and cash in the hundreds of chips they receive each week.

The Bishop turned to and enlisted the assistance from a Franciscan Monastery, just outside of Las Vegas. Some of the Franciscans sort and count the chips, while others are tasked with delivering the chips to their respective casinos and returning the cash to the parishes.

The latter are affectionately referred to as chip-monks.
– With Thanks to Ray V. at Mitigating Chaos

The Other

Good idea, really poor execution: The Alberta ‘Rona Virus website has a COVID-19 personal risk severity assessment tool. I tested it out.

Age group: 60-69. Biological sex: Female.
Conditions (from list of 8 health risks): none.
Resulting risk level: LOW

That was what I would expect… except I recently took up residence in a new decade. So I took the test again.
Age group: 70-79. Biological sex: Female.
Conditions (from list of 8 health risks): none.
Resulting risk level: HIGH

To sum it up: If you took this test one day before your 70th birthday, you would be at Low risk. One day after your 70th birthday and you would be at High risk. Seems like they have to have a greater number of age brackets AND they have to give some weight to the health risks.  (In Alberta, the average age of death from Covid-19 is 82. The majority of those who died had 2 or more health risks.)

Some more Close, but not quite right

When you want to fly direct to Boston but end up wherever your luggage got sent…
Maybe a new way to social distance???
Not the most appropriate photo for this frame…